If You Are Seeing A Married Dominant.

Some except the fact they will never be number one, some are happy in that role.  I suppose it is the thrill, of sneaking around, booking the hotel room. Always in hiding

If you are happy being number two, then be happy. There will be no birthdays, thanksgiving, christmas, fourth of july’s you get the idea.

I am speaking from a males prospective, I am giving you the low down, on how we think. Why we step out when we are married. Last why you are going to get dumped. Because he will dump you when you are all used up, or he finds someone closer.

A married man steps out because, and I have said this three million times, but no one wants to listen. You are there because there are things his wife will not do. Nothing more nothing less.

Maybe she wont dress like a whore, suck cock, anal sex. Or just maybe it is a communication thing, which I doubt. Your relationship is based on sex nothing more, that is all you are being used for.

The first three months, six months maybe a year go well, your happy seeing your dominant every month or so for a couple of hours. Then the emails become less frequent, the text slow, hardly any calls.

So you the submissive, you make sure your phone is charged at all times, your phone is sitting within reach at all times. You receive a text, you look and it is a friend.

Really is this the way you want to spend your life? Your job is to sit and wait, until he is ready to use you. That is it, nothing more nothing less.

Most subs and slaves are needy, slaves more so. This is really normal, if you say your not what a line of shit. Once you become needy with your married Dominant, you now become a liability, you are now causing drama that is not welcomed.  You have to go.

What are you learning in a relationship like this? What is he teaching you? He sends an email with a few rules. Maybe tells you what to wear on a certain day, what to eat.

You will get dumped or in time grow tired of broken promises. Now when you do get dumped, it is not your fault. It was not because you were not good enough, or you did not listen. It was because you became a liability, nothing more.

He the married Dominant is not going to let you come between him and his family. Remember you are number two. You are not at the cook outs. the movies, the vacations. You are sitting on the couch waiting, and hoping he can take five minutes out of his time to call, text, or email you a few lines.

Your married Dominant is not going to love you, care maybe, but your best work will be on your knees or on your back. That is what you are for.

What you are experiencing is not BDSM , it is not the D’s lifestyle. He tells you that you cannot speak with other Dominants. Why is this? He may be exposed for who and what he is.

When you get dumped, I said it again. It is not your fault in anyway. This happens to a lot of new subs to the lifestyle, not so much a slave. Slaves tend to be somewhat more reserved than a submissive. New to the lifestyle, chances are you will get burned the first go around.

I am not sure what the fixation is with married men, I truly do not get it. Maybe it is because you do not want a commitment , and you feel safe. Maybe you think he will leave his wife and kids, give up his home, pay child support, maybe alimony. Maybe he will quit his job he has had for fifteen years, and move to you.

Sure he will you just sit there like a good little girl and wait.


38 Responses to “If You Are Seeing A Married Dominant.”

  1. I have read just a couple of your blogs so far and while you are well spoken and your opinions are clear I find you to be closed minded in many ways. While you do make many valid points above you say them in such absolute ways that you eliminate all other possibilities. As if your take on things is the only correct view available. In this post you have completely failed to take into consideration other alternative lifestyles which may make dating a married person feasible and not guaranteed heartbreak.

    Do you have any experience with swing or polyamory? Is the view point above based solely on those men who are “cheating”?

    People can also have D/s relationships without it being a Master/slave relationship. Am I a sub? Absolutely. Am I anyone’s slave? Nope. This works for me and my partners it may not work for you and yours. As long as everyone is happy, content and honest does it matter what that relationship looks like to outside observers/society?


    • I have lived poly seven years Chong who was Korean, and Beth a small blonde. She was Chongs toy. It ran smoothly for 6 yrs, until Beth wanted the number one position, that was never going to happen. Beth had to go.

      My main thing with married be it a Dominant or submissive. If your partner knows about the other side of you and excepts the fact that you see others, I am good with that.
      When a married Dominant goes behind his wife’s back and has to sneak around this is the problem I have, or the submissive. for that matter.
      At some point you get caught, always it is going to happen, not if, but when. Who do you destroy the family, more so if you have kids.
      So if you are married and you find yourself in need of the lifestyle, talk to your spouse, if they do not agree with what you need. Move on. Do not break their trust, and the vows one took.
      I hope I answered your questions.
      Close minded I am not

      • You have answered my questions and I see that maybe I failed to read between the lines myself. Thank you for clarifying! I agree that the issue is dishonesty. Not only with your partner but with yourself. If you have a tendency towards Dominance or submission and you have joined your life to someone else’s you must make the choice. You discuss your wants and desires with your partner and if they aren’t interested you have a choice to make, leave to explore that side of yourself or suck it up and accept that this isn’t an option for you at this time. Having your cake and eating it too is NOT a solution it just creates larger issues.

        Again, Thanks,


      • Maybe not close minded but a bit ignorant. I have been in a relationship for nearly a year with a married Dom; he is a loyal husband and father. I may not see him every day but we communicate every day from morning till night via text, and work out at the same gym five days a week together. The sexual side of it only comes to her three times a month, but the Dom sub dynamic is strong in us. Your thought process is very boxy. I plan to stay with my guy for a very long time. I don’t even mind to go to his sons baseball games even though his wife is there. I still got a week from him even if I’m not the one he leaves with after the game. He is a wonderful emotional support and passionate Daddy.

      • I am glad you are in a good place and you are happy. You are one of the few who can say that.
        The suicide rate among young submissive’s is pretty high , 5 last year within a 100 mile radius.
        Those who are younger are lied to and when the Dom is caught he continues to lie about leaving his wife.

        I have never had to hide who I was and I am pretty proud of that.

        If a Dominant is married there is no reason to go behind his wife’s back after all he is a Dom right? If he is a Dom he would be running his own house.

        Married Doms cheat because they want to find someone who will do things his wife will not do.

        It is good however you have accepted the fact he will never leave his wife , and that is mainly financial reasons…
        Good luck

  2. Also, you are absolutely correct. We are all really really needy. I think it comes with the territory. But so are you Doms. Such egos in need of constant stroking!! Good thing stroking is something I am happy to provide any chance I get 🙂

  3. @ bymyfingernails. See I am not really close minded. I have a lack of respect for those who cheat, go behind ones back. A dominants first words to a submissive. Always tell the truth and be honest, but he has already started out with a lie.

  4. Clearly, I am not with you in everything that you write but this just hits me spot-on Vile. Love this entry.

    • First off my dear friend, I want to thank you for translating if I have not already.
      Second I do not expect or want you to agree with everything I post.
      What I write is my own opinion nothing more. I just do not understand all the hate mail I get from male Doms.
      Thank you for stopping by.

      • Being new to the lifestyle, I guess the same thing follows with the idea that people are “different”. I guess you are a different Dom. You have your own ways I could possibly never understand. It all comes to “respecting” these so-called differences.

        Also, a pleasure to read these kinds of posts from you.

  5. Agatha I am different, but and this is a big but. Before I met Bea my last long term relationship, I was a Sadist, some subs and slaves feared me, while some would stand in line.
    Bea was not a masochist, far from it. She was a submissive baby girl.
    I had an attraction to her, the way she would listen, her beauty, the communication.
    I liked her enough to set my sadist ways aside. Other things took my feeling away. I was content and happy. she was truly special.

    Yes we are all different, sometimes to be happy we make changes, we grow everyday, our needs change as we evolve

  6. I’m not sure if this is the case in BDSM relationships, but what I’ve known from vanilla friends and their attraction to married men… it’s competition.
    It’s the idea that they CAN get him, and just to prove that they will try. None of my friends wanted to admit that at first, it took falling in love, being the second wife, being used, being dumped, before they probably even realized it themselves.
    I happen to think in a vanilla context it’s like a woman dressing up. Does she do so for a man? Not if it’s not lingerie or a sexy dress. She does so for other women.
    Of course, D/s and BDSM is far more focussed on the actual couple, so I don’t know if the same principle is applicable.

  7. littlebopeep12 Says:

    Yes, the affair sub will always get dumped- the fake Dom has not the courage and honesty of a real Dom to communicate with his spouse, and she in turn is probably using sex as a weapon. If the Dom is outed and he is Really lucky and finds the courage he may discover the sub of his dreams has been at his feet the whole time and that he really can be a real Dom 🙂

  8. WhiteLily Says:

    My Dom is married, his wife is his slave. His wife likes me and adores me. She has the desire to serve, not only to do the cleaning and cooking for both of us, but also she wants to serve us in bed. He asked me a few times, but I don’t think I’m ready for that. He is now trying to get both of us pregnant. His wife is infertile and undergoing treatment, and she agrees to be number two (I become the legal wife) if I have his child and she could not. But she will never leave him, and nothing will change except the switch of titles.

    We are all very happy in this arrangement. He calls us sister wives. He spends most of the weekends with me, and playing sports with me, spending most of the weekdays with his wife, and going to family events togethr, splitting holidays and vacations between the two of us. His wife even asked to be my bridesmaid if we were to switch titles, and I happily agreed. 🙂

    • I think you missed what I was saying.
      I was speaking about married doms who are not a dom at home but cheat on their wives and their wife knows nothing about the other.
      I am glad your relationship is working out though

  9. tiffanygoodgirl Says:

    I’m starting to think my Dom is married. We met online, got chatting about entering into a D/s relationship with one another and we met. I am divorced, He is seperated, He says…He lives far away from me so this is all long distance. The first few months were great, I looked forward to our meets; albeit a few early morning hours, never evenings/weekends, and slowly I began to love Him-in every sense of the word. He knows this and tells me the same however He still won’t commit fully to things I suggest….I don’t call Him, when I have He never answers. He never used to call me, just text and I noticed that evenings were rarely chatty…..he calls me now but during day as He says signal rubbish once He is home…..He tells me he lives back with his parents due to marriage breakdown but surely in my view this would free up more time to see me/call me etc. When I bring it up he keeps saying its not what I think and theres nothing to worry about but I need Him sometimes, on an emotional level and He is just not there. I know the answer that everyone is going to say, as I know it myself : truth is I am more than probably his bit on the side, His escapism, His number two as you say……but I feel cheated. Had He been honest in the beginning I really could have made my own choice then not to get involved. I have been open, honest and loyal to Him and all I ask of Him is to communicate more with me. It is starting to cause me anxiety attacks as I cant help worrying. I really don’t want to lose Him but I really don’t want to feel this way anymore either. I am a good, kind, loyal sub to Him. I don’t know what to do 😦 Well, I do know what to do…..so why can’t I?

    • You already know the answer so how long do you want to live alone. He is living a huge lie, if he really cared even if he lives with his parents he would of invited you over. Ask him for his address , tell him you insist on visiting.
      You know you deserve better and it is not just him it is the attention.
      Put your foot down and make demands that is your right.

  10. 100% hit it on the head. I’m a male sub to a female dom. She is married and I’m in this exact situation. I’ve been contemplating leaving her for over a year now. I’m setting a date to tell her and just going to do it. She has been minipulating me into believing that I’m the problem for to long now.

    Thank you

  11. submissive rose Says:

    Unfortunately I can relate to your insights and perspectives, Mr. Vile. Last year after almost 9 years of celibacy and a frim belief I will never again find a man whom I would find remotely interesting, I met a guy at one of the press events, who swept me off my feet. A very good loking guy and insanely self-confident and charismatic, he had me almost instantly wrapped up. In the beginning he made sure our encounters were filled with romance & love-bombing text messages and phone calls and only slowly and with caution he introduced me to his real sexual desires and fantasy world – stating that he was dominant sexually and he was always looking for a submissive woman. But as it turned out eventually, he wasn’t a Dom, just a fake dom or a wanna-be dom, a married man in fact, who was hooked to extreme porn and sought to play out his fantasies that built up in him with time.
    I still find it hard to believe, as I am a very smart and well educated woman in my 40’s, but he managed to lead me on about his real name and identity for first 2 months into our ‘relationship’ and also he didn’t reveal to me that he was seriously committed to someone else and having a 8 months old baby at home. I fell for his charm, his intense flirting, compliments, he really did his best to catch me in his web like a spider and slowly feed me his poison.
    I was very attracted to him on physical level first, but as our ‘relationship’ grew, I also started to like him as a person, later developed a crush on him and eventually also romantically fell in love. Even when he revealed finally his real name and circumstances (he was professional ex football player and a family man), I didn’t do the right thing and leave him.
    See, he was the first one to awaken those sexual fantasies inside me that I also had but never fully realized I want to try them out. It wasn’t so much about wanting to be in a D/S relationship in my case, what turned me on was his total control, his pure lust and craving I felt every time when we had sex – and my total submission to him, to be at his disposal, at his will and to be there to please him – I found this to be a huge turn on for me, but there was also a crucial difference between us. He always wanted to please only himself and never even thought about my sexual needs or returning the favors or to make me orgasm – ever.
    It was because of him that I dwelled in a world of D/S for a short while and he was the reason I started to explore this world all together and I did extensive research on the matter, just to find out he doesn’t even have a clue what the real meaning of Dom was.
    When I approached him with a question if he already had another sub, he didn’t answer (not a good sign, btw) and turned the topic of converstaion into other direction. He was always ellusive and shady on the matter and anyway never had intention to become a real Dom. He was just there to play the field, please himself only and take the opportunity out of naive ‘victim’ (I wasn’t the only affair he had last year). His real wish was to just use and abuse women and he faked to be a Dom all the way just to get a lousy excuse to humiliate and objectify his prey and take revenge on women, especially his controlling partner at home (as I later found out).
    I was just his no. 2, his ‘second life’ as he later named it. He never intended to leave his comfortable family life, though he lied to me that he was separating with his No. 1, that he suggested to her to split up their fortune and that he was even thinking about moving with me to a rented flat, etc. He loaded a pile of horseshit, just to lure me in, keep me there and to lead me on, as he knew if he revealed the truth, I would walk away. But at the given time, he needed me, to explore his desires he never could with another woman until he met me.
    So what I DO blame him for, isn’t the way we had sex, or the fact that he ‘abused’ me sexually and I got bruises and marks on my body during the sex acts – after all I was his accomplice, he didn’t rape me, I was there at my own will and voluntarily on my knees. But what I resented him and I still do, is that he was feeding me with lies, never ever having any intent of pleasing me or care for me even remotely, but faked to be my dream man until I fell for him completely.
    He of course noticed I was getting better and better at BJ’s and other sexual favours if I am hooked by him, so he did his best to romanticize the affair and lie and feed me with empty promises. Luckily I got sober and aware of everything soon enough so after 5 months our affair came to an ending. After 3 months he was the one to cut it off but he came back, then I ended it, but we again got together and again we split up, this time for good.
    I felt used in and out and abused too in this affair. It wasn’t just sexual favours, this lurking predator tried to abuse me financially too, he used me for my connections, so I did free favors (business wise) for him and his friends… the list goes on and he tried hard to involve me in some other illegal, murky and shady ‘business’ too which I am not going to explain in larger details. He tried to seize any opportunity I could provide and brutally and mercilessly sucked out all I could give, until I felt empty and stupid and it became very obvious I don’t want to be blinded anymore and that I finally came to my senses. This was the point when I became obsolete as a mistress and a sub, but I knew this before we even discussed it.
    To make a story shorter – I was thinking of getting even with him ever since and after 4 months to our ending, I confronted his No. 1 partner and told her almost everything. He got kicked out of the house last week and she forbade him to see their daughter for a week or so – huge punishment as it turned out that his daughter was the only person he actually ever cared for. I am not a vindictive person, I feel even too much emphathy for this bastard, but I had urge to teach him a lesson so he will never disrespect another woman in the way he did me.
    Revenge is a bitter fruit anyhow and actually I didn’t get any real satisfaction out of it. But I had to unload this burden as it was eating me out. I was losing not only my weight but also sanity and became very self-destructive as a result of this abusive relationship. I can’t explain how much I suffered for Xmass and NY holidays – it was a living hell. I was asking myself where did I go wrong, how could he do this to me, why did I ALLOW him to play me out the way he did, do I really deserve to be mistreated like a pile of shit etc. Will I ever trust any man again? Will I ever feel the joy to explore my sexually submissive side again? Probably not, the first experience with a fake Dom was way too bitter.
    I did lots of self-talking and self-reflection and went to psychotherapy sessions to look for answers. Thing is, and I know this for a long time already, I was absued as a child (I am an orphan, and was later adopted), but I have worked on my self-esteem and self-worth for last two decades at least. I never ttought I could so easily fall again for false promises and fake appearance, just because this man was sexy and younger than me and extremely well versed liar and he lured me in by pressing the right buttons. Did I truly ‘deserve’ to be mistreated just because I was ‘hungry’ (Vile uses an expression ‘needy’, OK) for love and male attention? Because it felt so good to be desired again, to feel lust and to finally feel awaken again as a woman? Did I really had to pay a price like this? Nope. My answer is no.
    In the end, there is NOTHING WRONG with our sexual desires unless they involve injury or death or rape or any other unvoluntarily act; and if it stays between two adults of legal age. Nothing wrong with bondage, discipline, pleasing, controlling, playing roles, domination or submission. What is crucial here and I want everyone to pay attention – tell it like it is, every time, all the time, from a very start. Speak truth. Don’t lie and fake, don’t lead people on, don’t manipulate them as a puppeteer does to a toy. If the guy was sincere from a beginning, I would have a choice. I would also pay attention to keep our affair strictly sexual and NEVER fall for him romantically. But as I did, I got badly hurt.
    My story had a bitter ending, we all paid a high price, his partner and child included. It wasn’t worth it.

    • I am sorry you went through something so devastating.
      It was not your fault as you know you had no clue.
      I have talked until blue in the face about these subs who are seeing married men who claim to be dominant. They are not Dominant they cannot even run their own house.
      These guys are looking for women who will do things their wives wont do, no other reason.
      They are not going to leave the security they have along with the money if they have children.
      I am glad you got wise..
      Please feel free to stay in touch.

      • tiffanyj Says:

        It’s so hard once they have pursued you enough and you’re hooked though…..I have ended things with my ex Dom, in December, and he STILL texts now. Dying to know what I’m doing etc…asking to see me. And do you know what? I will NEVER see him again. He was a liar, he could never prove my insecurities instead he would turn it around onto me, tell me I was stupid, paranoid and threaten to leave me. I was wise to this behaviour; he was so obviously extremely narcississtic and in a relationship, he still wouldn’t let me visit him at home so I eventually ended it. I still hate myself for sticking around for 10 months….but I took my role as sub very seriously. I was devoted to him. This experience has made me realise I am in need of a Dom, and after researching properly and reading Vile’s blog; I know what a REAL Dom should be about. I am in no rush, I am getting myself back together slowly. You see, what people forget is the real damage this has, the psychological impact. I have been married and divorced and that hurt like hell but this…….he has very nearly destroyed me. My self esteem, my humility, my personality all but gone. It is emotional abuse, and it doesn’t just disappear, it takes therapy and alot of hard work to love yourself to get better. These married fakes are abusers in my opinion, they find out what makes you tick-then use it to break you down, they crave total control over you so they don’t care that you’re mentally fucked up over him, they just need to keep you there for the sex. Almost a year I waited patiently, I knew after month 3 something wasn’t right but the more I asked, the more elaborate his lies became. Can you believe we’re not even together and he STILL says he is not married or in a relationship…..haha….It actually scares me how low he is to lie to me like this. My advice to any sub feeling like this is this – it NEVER changes, he/she will tell you EXACTLY what YOU want to hear. They don’t really care, they do not love you and most certainly will NEVER end up living with you, it is all fabricated bullshit. You need to be brave and leave. Find a real Dom, it’s the craving we as subs have that attract these married fakes, all men live the idea of a woman who idolises them, only fakes cannot really handle it because they cannot to the time, so leave and don’t look back. I was treat horribly, he would do the Dom thing of sending ne instructions etc but once I started to ask for things he couldn’t give like his ‘time’ he would get moody, ignore me for hours, i would cry and get so upset, he would eventually talk and say it was my fault…basically trying to brainwash me. But I knew it wasn’t. But i ended up saying sorry. Then it started again, he would be lovely, sex was amazing, he spend hours cuddling me telling me how amazing i am and how he cant wait to live with me…then he would leave to return to his real life, and all i got was the odd phonecall in work hours during the week and texts…….im actually crying writing this because it has wounded me so much. My therapist says my sub side is still reeling as i was ready to commit fully to him as my Dom and now Im lost. Im hoping I find a Dom who is honest again. Don’t get me wrong I have done this before, but recent ex really messed me up, I never thought I would fall for a fake. Yet here I am 12 months later, broken down and scared. It is emotional abuse fellow sub’s, it may not feel like it right away because thats the clever game they play. But it is abuse nontheless. The rough sex, the gaining control, yes although consensual is still wring with a fake as they are not truly involved. They are giving you crumbs of their time, fucking you good then leaving. I told my therapist i feel cheap and used now, and ive never felt that way, ever. These fake men listen to everything, tell you all their intricate lies, pretend to love you just for kinky sex. There is nithing so demeaning as onowing i got on my knees and did everything he wanted-and he wasn’t REAL. I class it as ‘psychological rape’ in D/s world. We as sub’s are naturally vulnerable and needy and these predators work on our sub sides to get what they want. They mentally rape us to benefit them. Just know that you will be ok. You have to let go. Dont feel guilty for loving him/her, be proud! You know you are a good sub, a good person, you kept your end of the bargain. Although it hurts like hell, deep breath, go no contact on him/her, and move on. Take a break from D/s for a little while and fix yourself, live yourself and start to smile again. The right Dom is out there for all of us. We cannot allow these fakes to scare us into sunmitting to only them! We are who we are and we deserve a true Dom. You’re all amazing, never forget that. When you’re upset, feeling hurt and in despair just jeep telling yourself you are amazing. Find that inner strength, don’t let him/her take that. Even as a sub you should never change YOU. My heart goes out to each and every one of you going through this. I’m sending positive vibes out to all of you. Much love guys and girls………WE ARE AMAZING ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

      • I am sorry you have been through so much, you are and will continue to be in a better place

  12. tiffanyj Says:

    Thank you Vile 🙂 I feel more ‘me’ again. And I will keep fighting to remain fake free!

  13. I love your honesty. Have been reading a few different blogs of yours and you have really opened my eyes. Thank you.

  14. Thank you so much for writing this.i have heard it before but never stuck..but its not easy to just stop seeing a married dom.

  15. I’m a female sub. I love married men because I know where it begins and ends. Pants off, pants on, and back out the door to his miserable wife. I get off, he gets off, and we get on with our lives. I keep my feelings in check which is easy because the foundation of our arrangement is built on 1)lies (bc he’s a cheater) and 2)fantasy. I’m usually the one that has to remind these married slobs the shine will rub off, this is not everyday life. Unless you are already married and in a DS relationship. After 1 month I’m the one who usually gets bored like you said, married men get caught up and the attention is not there. I’m fairly new to this lifestyle. I’m also a medical professional and I’m a mother. I don’t need love from a married man! All I want in life is good sex with someone who understands my submissive side, to be the best mother I can be, and to further my career.

    • Wow I love your fucking attitude, you rock.
      They are Dominants in their own mind thinking they are using someone but you have the tables turned and I love it.

      I never understood if they are not happy why not just leave ? Think about if their wives were that bad they would be gone.
      Anyway you rock

    • I would like to use your reply if that’s ok for a blog. Not your email
      Just your reply.
      Thank you

  16. It’s obvious that a female wrote this.

  17. I totally understand and agree with you on most of this. But I also believe that there are situations where seeing a married Dom just works just like some women in the vanilla world say seeing a married man just works. As J stated knowing where it begins and ends. That in itself is a stability that is sadly missing in both BDSM and vanilla relationships these days.

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