The Surrendered Wife

Wow Laura Doyle got a lot of mixed reviews about her book, some good but mostly bad, even from activist groups. These people have nothing better to do.

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The Surrendered Wives movement is inspired by a book, The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. Its supporters suggest that women should relinquish what Doyle deems to be inappropriate control of their husbands and focus on their own happiness in order to bring romance back to their relationship.


The author of the core book of this movement maintains that she does not advocate submissiveness or the surrendering of one’s self; she proposes the surrendering of control over others. Indeed, in Things Will Get as Good as You Can Stand (subtitled When you learn that it is better to receive than to give– The Superwoman’s Practical Guide to Getting as Much as She Gives),[1] Doyle says women turn away praise, validation, and even help to appear to be in control.[2]

The author herself writes:

Like millions of women, Laura Doyle wanted her marriage to be better. But when she tried to get her husband to be more romantic, helpful, and ambitious, he withdrew– and she was lonely and exhausted from controlling everything. Desperate to be in love with her man again, she decided to stop telling him what to do and how to do it. When Doyle surrendered control, something magical happened. The union she had always dreamed of appeared. The man who had wooed her was back.
The underlying principle of The Surrendered Wife is simple: The control women wield at work and with children must be left at the front door of any marriage. Laura Doyle’s model for matrimony shows women how they can both express their needs and have them met while also respecting their husband’s choices. When they do, they revitalize intimacy.[2]

The “Surrendered Wives” movement is centered around six basic principles:

  1. a wife relinquishes control of her husband’s life
  2. she respects his decisions for his life
  3. she practices good self-care (she does at least three things a day for her own enjoyment)
  4. she also practices receiving compliments and gifts graciously
  5. she practices expressing gratitude (thanking her husband for the things he does)
  6. a surrendered wife is not afraid to show her vulnerability and take the feminine approach

Continuing in an abusive, alcoholic, or adulterous relationship is not promoted or condoned.

Having female support is cited by Laura Doyle as a critical component for success for the woman who chooses to surrender. To this end there are a number of trained coaches around the globe who assist women to implement the principles into their lives and marriages. Face to Face group seminars, phone coaching, on-line chat circles and an on-line seminar are available.


Her critics see Doyle as advocating that women should be submissive to their husbands. Former Australian Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission Sex Discrimination Commissioner Pru Goward compared the movement to slavery saying “There is no such thing as an adult who can entirely subvert themselves to another person. That’s called slavery and I think we abolished that several hundred years ago.”[3] She also claimed that “If a man wants that sort of relationship, he actually doesn’t want a relationship, he wants a doll. He wants a puppet, he wants total control and that’s not the definition of a relationship.”[3]

Doyle responds that many critics appear to have little knowledge of the principles described in the book and simply react to what they imagine the book says.


The Surrendered Single is a book to help single women attract a good man according to the principles of Surrendering. Doyle advocates the surrender of inappropriate control of another. A surrendered single is a woman who chooses to apply the principles of surrendering to her life so as to serenely attract a good man rather than desperately seek a mate.

Doyle says that the basic principles of a Surrendered Single are that

Acknowledges her desire to attract and marry a man who’s right for her;

Lets go of the idea of a perfect man;

Receives compliments, gifts, help, and dates graciously whenever possible;

Takes responsibility for and focuses on her own happiness and fulfillment;

Relinquishes control of the pace of the courtship;

Strives to be vulnerable;

Honors her desire to be married by ending dead-end relationships;

Checks for safety before she risks herself physically or emotionally.

Had made a comment , she read the book and stated that the book was about passive aggressive communication and manipulation.

She is correct I agreed with her she was right in every sense.

Although I did not fully agree with Doyle on everything and maybe just maybe there could of been different avenues. What steps would one take to hold their marriage together.

Being passive is not a bad thing in the right hands. If you are cared for and your needs are met without judgement. Manipulation can be bad and good. If you are manipulating someone to take advantage then it is wrong. I believe if you are trying to do good or make someone see your point and you have their best interest in hand then maybe just maybe it is not so bad.

As far as the criticism goes these are people who do not understand those who choose to be submissive. I talk to people like this on a regular basis. The one word that comes to mind is abuse. Forcing one to submit, forcing one to become a slave, that is abuse.

So lets say your partner comes to you and says hey I want to try the BDSM lifestyle, you would either say let me do some research, or your fucking crazy. While Doyle is not into the BDSM lifestyle she found her own submission.

My relationship is about taking care of needs, communication, showing that I care, and yes even the kink.

Someone asked me the other day why I liked to chain my wife up. It is not that I like, well yes I do, but to Arianna it is a need. Chain, rope, cuffs. The need to be bound.

If I was close minded and not in the lifestyle, if I truly loved my wife, I would go to great lengths to make things happen.

We as humans manipulate almost on a daily basis to get what we want. I did when when bought a new washer and dryer from HH Greg, and I talked them down 200 dollars off of the pair, or when we got Arianna a new car. We do it everyday without even knowing it.

Being passive does not make you a doormat in any way. Being passive can be bad if you are in a abusive relationship.

Could Doyle have done things differently, I am sure there were other approaches but she did what she thought was best to hold her family together.



One Response to “The Surrendered Wife”

  1. Hey, since you mentioned me, here is the post where I gave my thoughts about the book. I think the main difference is, I was reading from the perspective of a wife in a good marriage, she was writing from the perspective of a wife in a bad one.

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