Moving From A Vanilla To A D’s Relationship

This is a task that is not really an easy thing to do, but it can be done. In orders to move into a whole new world there are somethings the Dominant has to do.

The first being a huge change of attitude. The Dominant has to demonstrate he is in full control. The attitude has to change a full 360 degrees. This is more true if the two have problems arguing.

A woman will not submit to a Dominant or any male if he cannot control his temper. Second we do not always have to be right. Although I am not wrong that often I do make mistakes. I think things out before acting and when something goes wrong, I am like what the fuck how did that happen, because I have covered all of the choices and of course the consequences.

Being in full control is the key. Communication with your partner. You would need to introduce things slowly. Maybe share a few story’s, maybe a site you have stumbled across. Slowly introduce some lite Bondage. See if your partner is willing to participate in other types of play.

Remember you cannot take submission it has to be giving, you have to earn it. You cannot demand that someone respects you, again you have to earn.

The easiest way to earn someones submission is for the Dominant to be able to show control. If you blow up and get angry your spouse or girlfriend is going to do the same thing and you have gained nothing.

You want to make your home as stress free as you can. You want to make your home as Drama free as you can. Leaving work at work is a good place to start.

If you have friends who are full of drama then it is time to cut ties with them. Their problems are not your problems. I have had to cut off even the best of friends because of all the drama, I do not roll like that.

Your control will mean everything. You can be married and love each other but still not have that total respect thing going on.

Controlling your temper, thinking before you speak. Think about what your going to say before speaking, you may want to re-word it.

Although advice from others may work and work well, you have to be the one to define exactly what you want and need. Every D’s or M’s home is different, every Dominant and submissive or slave is different. You have to define how you want your house to be ran.

Talking to your spouse or girlfriend about your thoughts, try to get a feel if they would maybe try and venture into that type of lifestyle.

Now the Hidden dangers. If you are able to persuade your better half into venturing into the world you want, and she agrees. Now you have to stay with it. If she is truly a submissive and you guide her in the direction you want, and you stop, it make of become a need for her. If you cannot fulfill that need any longer , guess what happens. You wake up alone because she will find someone who will.

If the world of BDSM is just a fantasy leave it as that. If you are serious and that is the life you want it can be a beautiful thing. The lifestyle can be very rewarding.

Other Dominants here on wordpress may have different views, maybe different ideas, or they may think I am nuts. This is just my opinion, and only my opinion.

Good luck in your travels.



22 Responses to “Moving From A Vanilla To A D’s Relationship”

  1. Kathy Lewis Says:

    What a wonder blog today. I always find it hard to express what I want to say to hubby. This was perfect. I forward it to him. Thanks.

  2. littlebopeep12 Says:

    Drama free…stress free…. yes, this is so true. This is the goal. The first few months or even the first year may be a bit of a roller coaster, but as you both mature in your roles, the drama subsides. If it doesn’t, then one or both people are acting the roles not living them. If the sub is acting out just to receive a “punishment” and the Dom doesn’t see through it, then it is just role play and bedroom fun. Thank you Vile.

  3. amazing post again, Vile. It took me a while to recognize, but the Dom’s integrity is truly the key. And I don’t think that this is only true in M/s or D/s relationships, but in all kinds of relationships. The sad thing is that in most relationships, people tend to forget that part and think more along the lines of WIIFM (what’s in it for me). And in my humble opinion, that is NOT what a D/s or M/s relationship is about. In “our” kind of relationships we do “get” a lot (probably more than a vanilla guy would get), but we have also a lot more responsibilities. After all, we need to make sure that the submissive/ slave gets their needs met in every way and get what they are looking for as well. I’s much more of a give and take compared to a vanilla relationship.
    And personally I do believe that at least in my relationship the mannerisms and chivalry plays a huge part as well. Sad but true that a lot of people seemingly have forgotten about the importance of that.

    I hope you don’t mind me reblogging your awesome post

  4. Reblogged this on A Master's Journey and commented:
    I do believe deeply that it is possible to “convert” a relationship from the vanilla kind to a D/s or M/s relationship, but I think it would be a lot harder to achieve that change as compared to starting out with a D/S relationship. I do consider myself a pretty normal kind of guy and had only vanilla relationships in my past, but the idea of a D/s or M/s relationship always was in the back of my head. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Now that I DO live a D/s relationship with my wife, I know 100% for certain, I will never EVER go vanilla again. Vile posted a VERY GOOD post about this change on his blog “thekinkyworldofvile” that I found today. And I do believe he hits the nail on the head.
    There is absolutely no way for a D/s relationship to flourish, if the Master or Dominant does not work very hard to earn the trust and commitment from his slave or submissive. In my own opinion and experience, that is the single most important character trade of a good Master or Dominant. Without that commitment to want to earn that trust and integrity the relationship will not change and this all will be merely a roleplay and stay in the bedroom. Not that this is wrong. I do want everyone to be able to achieve their own relationship bliss. But it is not what I personally need. It gives me so much more strength, respect, freedom, fulfillment and excitement, knowing my slave is there supporting me in every way possible so I can concentrate a lot more on making sure that her needs are met and she gets what she is looking to get out of our relationship as well. A Master is first and foremost responsible for the physical and mental well-being of his slave ALWAYS. In return he gets whatever it is that he needs as well. In Germany you would say “one hand is washing the other”. It’s a constant give and take, much more than in a vanilla relationship.
    You get what you put in. In all of my previous vanilla relationships and also in the relationships of most people around me, I see and feel a huge difference there. Almost as if most people are only looking for the WIIFM (what’s in it for me), and if that is not met, the relationship is in trouble or worse, ends. Almost as if no one is willing to put actual work into their relationship. And I think that is extremely sad.
    But it’s not only the responsibility for the slave that makes a Dominant a Master, but I also think that some good old chivalry goes a long way and is extremely easy to do. Try it out. Hold the door open for your slave, make sure she is seated before you at the dinner table. That does not mean that it makes you look any weaker in their eyes. But I promise you, you will get a feel of the added admiration from your sub or slave.
    In my house, luna starts eating after I take my first bite, but I do cook supper now and then, and I will make sure that she is seated before me, pulling her chair out for her. I think that does show her how much I value her and all she does for me in return. And believe me, she does do A LOT.

  5. Gonna say in the beginning I didn’t think that I could become D/s but the more I read the more I see that it is possible as long as you keep the right frame of mind and do for the right reasons. However, what about when she is a strong submissive pulling a vanilla guy in, do you suggest anything different?

  6. “You cannot demand that someone respects you, again you have to earn…”
    Yes, that’s true. But as someone speaking from the other end of the spectrum (though I’n not a sub, I think that’s where my heart leans towards), it’s also good to remind people that you cannot always earn it. I tried for too many years. I respected my husband, or at least I really tried to. But then he never respected me. When I finally managed to build my self-worth back to a reasonable place, when I felt strong enough and deserving, I left. Because no matter how hard I tried to earn his respect, he still wasn’t ready to give it to me (even if his behaviour did change somewhat when I started to feel self-assured again, he was still controlling and demanding. I’m not sure whether he could ever have changed really. At the first sign he was going back to previous behaviour, I was out. Now he tries to make me pay for it). So yes, a Dom/Master should never demand respect, can only earn it.
    But it’s important subs/slaves know that they deserve respect and, though they can’t demand it, they should expect it.
    *getting off my soap box now πŸ˜‰ *

    • Very nice I am however sorry you had such bad experiences in life.
      Much love
      I am glad your in a much better place.
      He is angry because he lost.
      They always want to make it someone else’s fault never theirs

      • Thank you for your kind words.
        You are right, they always want to make it someone else’s fault.

        It was always my fault throughout our marriage. And even when I told the kids about the divorce, he didn’t want to be there because ‘he didn’t understand it himself, he had nothing to tell the kids”. The burden of the divorce has always been on me. Even now, when I struggle financially, because he refuses to give me just a little bit more money to take care of the kids ( and he thrives! But I have every confidence a judge will soon improve my fate, it’s just a matter of when), he tells the kids about my excessive demands, and they ask me why I couldn’t make do with less (read literally, nothing once I pay the rent to house them), since I’m the one who wanted a divorce, I should face those consequences. I once managed to ask them when *he* was going to face the consequences of his behaviour during our marriage, that led to the divorce… I need to learn to assert myself still. It’s not easy. But now that I’ve accepted he was abusive, I am sure it will become easier everyday πŸ™‚
        To say he is angry is almost certainly an understatement! And now I have my youngest telling me I cannot remarry, ever, because it would make dad too sad. WTF? I don’t usually swear, and certainly didn’t say this in front of my kid, but hell! He controlled my life for 20 years and now I should still live MY life with HIS emotions in mind? Forget it!

        Sorry, rant over. But it felt good to let it all out πŸ™‚

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