Red Flags

There have been a string of Deaths in the BDSM community over the last year. Two recent was a man in Tennessee who died after being bound and left alone for more than 20 hrs. His wife is being charged , or has been. The idea was probably his but she should of been there the whole time.

Then the recent suicide of a 22 year old submissive. I will call her Pocketmouse the few times I met her she was a very bubbly soul, with a lot of energy.
Once you enter into a relationship it is only then the true colors start to come to light. Once you move in things can change from good to bad at the blink of an eye.
Some have even said well they can just leave, well you know it is not always that easy. Most feel trapped and they have no where to turn, and the abuse just continues to grow and one feels smothered.

Okay , so most of my blog is not about kinky shit, its not about how I fuck my slave.

Just as people stand on the street corner and scream at the top of their lungs Jesus saves. I do the same when it comes to violence and abuse..

If I bore you or you do not agree with me, then don’t click on the link. If you think I am wrong then speak up, although I think I know everything I just may see it your way. Anything is possible.

I found this on Fetlife someone shared it and gave permission to use it…

It gives a ton of warning signs to look out for. It does not have to be everyone of them, if you recognize just a few seek help…..

You can even reach out to me…..

In light of and in response to the recent incident in TN and other incidents that have come to light, I’m posting these red flags. Take heed no matter how you identify yourself; s-type, D-type, Top, bottom or anything in between.

•Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community.

•Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.

•Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.

•Is inconsistent with details about themselves. Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.

•Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.

•Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.

•Consistently breaks promises. Always finds excuses for not meeting.

•Always puts blame on others for things going wrong. Does not take personal responsibility.

•Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.

•Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.

•Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.

•Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.

•Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.

•Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a “True” sub.

•Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.

•Puts you down in front of other people.

•Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.

•Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.

•Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.

•Lies or withholds information.

•Cheats on you or is overly jealous.

•Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like. Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.

•Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your ideas. Blames you for your hurt feelings.

•Abuses alcohol or other drugs.

•Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.

•Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.

•Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.

•Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.

•Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing. Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.

•Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.

•Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.

•Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.

•Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.

•Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.

This is NOT copyrighted material. Please copy and distribute freely.”……

abused 62


47 Responses to “Red Flags”

  1. Reblogged this on BDSM -Ties That Bind or Break Us and commented:
    Good information.

  2. This is a great red flag list for any relationship.

  3. Reblogged this on A Master's Journey and commented:
    I feel that with the recent deaths in our bdsm community, this advice is obviously very much needed, although it really should be self explanatory anyways and set a standard before or while meeting someone new…

  4. Thanks Vile, my friend obviously this had to be reblogged…

  5. Reblogged this on Miss Lizzy and commented:
    Great information.
    I wish I had it two years ago

  6. flufffybunny Says:

    Reblogged this on oh so fluffy bunny and commented:
    thank You for sharing this, Vile. It’s much appreciated.

  7. […] Continue reading on Vile’s Blog by CLICKING HERE […]

  8. Once again great advice Vile. Of course I reblogged it on my site too.

  9. Vile- good stuff. I think the underlying piece which needs emphasized is this; if your “Significant Other” or “SO”(whatever that capacity is) exhibits any of these, you should talk about them to understand why.

    Here’s the thing, I can ask anyone a fact-based question and get a response which is factual, one which requires a basic, one uncomplicated and simple reply with little other understanding. But when I ask you “why” the only response you can give is one which defends you to the other person.

    If you are the one on the wrong end of one of these traits, obtain the facts first (“who” – “what” – “when” – “where” and sometimes “how come”) before you ask “why.” If you follow my logic here, posing a question will raise the attention of your “SO” and you need to understand their perspective. There may in fact be a plausible explanation for their behavior. If there isn’t, you need the facts in order to have a conversation about “why” – otherwise, you will turn this Q&A into an argument almost every time. Huge point- if the abusive “SO” starts out their conversation with you with a “why” question, they’re playing you to get you to defend yourself and provoke you into making snarky, and potentially disrespectful responses designed to put you into a punishment position.

    Yah, it’s fucking abuse too, I’ve seen it in vanilla-ville and D/s too; communication is the lynchpin in any relationship. If you don’t like the relationship you’re in, check out your own communication method first, yes you. After you’re sure that you’re not the one provoking the issue, then check out how your “SO” is communicating- are they provoking shit just to piss you off then punish you for it. Yes, this is also is abuse and unless you’ve signed up for this sort of humiliation, get the fuck out before your self worth disappears and we read about you as one of the humans who ended it like Vile said here.

    Sorry for the rant Vile, but I had one such encounter with a guy I work with. After careful introspection, I knew it wasn’t me, and I told the asshole to go fuck himself, I no longer needed any of his shit. Everyone deserves to be happy in whatever role they’re in, watch this… “Why” would you go through your life any other way???

    Great repost Vile!

    -Tom Wolf (Mynx’s Sir)

    • Thank you Sir TW for writing this.
      Thank you Vile for writing the list.
      I wish I’d been given a similar list years ago. It would have saved me from an abusive marriage.
      Though, as I write this, I realise that had I jumped ship years ago, I wouldn’t have met all of my kids. Or it would have been very difficult to get out without seriously hurting them. And I love my kids 😉
      If I had jumped ship earlier, I wouldn’t be where I am now.

      But reading, having people tell me through their posts, over and over, that my marriage was abusive, helps me tremendously. I got to accept it in the past three days. And writing it helps me get stronger. It wasn’t all my fault.

      As you write TW, being in an abusive relationship gets your self worth pretty low. It is a struggle to build it back up, but with the support of this wonderful community, it finally seems feasible.

      Thank you all kind Sirs for showing this once lost soul that there is good in the world.

      • Thank you for stopping by. I am glad your in a much better place today.
        Sometimes it just takes time to figure everything out.

      • Yes, as you wrote in your other post, I wrote my book. Well, for the first 40 years, I let someone dictate it to me. Now, I’m taking back the pen and making the decisions myself. Very empowering 🙂

  10. im saving sir and i have a ldr and i am seeing some of these in him..i am a total newbie to the lifestyle..and the more i read this the more i think i need to make a choice. thank you.

  11. Dexter Blake Says:

    Reblogged this on Dom(ed) If I Do, Damned If I Don't and commented:
    Great and necessary list of red flags. I think it is important for new Doms to understand that one part of our responsibility is to protect our subs. That protection may extend to someone who is not a sub that belongs to you, but is in need of protection, either from harming themselves or receiving harm from someone else. Safe, Sane, and Consenual.. the most important word in that phrase is ‘AND’ meaning to imply that all THREE are required, not just one or two.

  12. Reblogged this on thekinkyworldofvile and commented:

    I wanted to share this again

  13. flufffybunny Says:

    I can’t reblog this twice apparently lol.. xoxolove You and all You do

  14. Thanks Vile, I read this on Fetlife, but it bears repeating over and over again until it becomes second nature. I knew pocketmouse and her suicide at such a young age is devastating, All due to a wannabe Mistress’ physical and mental abuse. Your blog is always relevant, always informative. Take care my friend.

    • Thank you for stopping in.
      Yes I wish there is more that could of been done.
      It just racks my brain sometimes.
      We need to look into the future now to try and stop it fron happening again..
      We will have a cook out soon

  15. It breaks my heart, the story about Pocket Mouse, it would be difficult for people to help her at the time, the law about being a consenting adult.

  16. Reblogged this on Love with Domination and commented:
    As Dominant, it’s my duty to reblog this powerful post, as always Vile.
    With utmost respect,

  17. This kind of list is good in that it raises awareness but I would caution anyone to react because someone met one or two of the conditions but none of the others. There are legitimate reasons for some of these ‘signs’ being a valid situation for some if not many people. As with anything, judge not on single items but rather on a whole big picture view of things. Just as a for instance, not having a good relationship with their family does not have to be their fault. You’ll find lots of people who, in coming out or admitting their kink, are at odds with their family. Many simply hide it to preserve the familial links. There are others on the list but I simply want to say that one should not judge based on only one or a couple symptoms. Further, it should always be okay to ask about the things that do match. Answers to the questions will tell you whether it is something to worry about or not.

  18. Reblogged this on LEASH ME and commented:
    This needs to be shared with all…thank You Sir Vile for writing this, and allowing me to repost.

  19. Dear Vile, I just deleted my old blog. I just wanna tell you I have sent the new address via twitter message. I am still on blog, just prefer a smaller circle of friends right now.
    Much love,

  20. and wonderful post as always!

  21. I like it that you’re an advocate for domestic abuse, I wish there were more people like you. What a lot of people don’t realize is that there are almost as many women that abuse men, as there are men who abuse women. My Master told me that his ex-wife was very abusive to him.

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