If Your Partner Is Not Dominant

I have received several emails here in the last week asking the same question. My Husband is not Dominant can I change his mind? My boyfriend is not Dominant can I change him?

Believe it or not that has been the million dollar question for years.  As a matter of fact Eve was probably talking to some chic because Adam was not Dominant. We all know what happened with Adam and Eve , Adam wanted the pussy.  So no he was not Dominant.

This is really a tough situation you ladies are in, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your stuck.

Well you do have a couple of options that are open to you, but you need to give those doors great thought before you open one of them, or you could choose not to open any of them.  How big of a chance are you willing to take ?

You can either come out looking like gold , or you could look like a complete idiot , and your whole life could fall apart at the seems. So it takes a great deal of thought and knowing what you really want out of life before making that freedom jump.

If your in a settled relationship and your husband or Boyfriend is not Dominant then you have a better chance of hitting the lottery, if you think he is going to change.

I am not sure where your thought process is, but to be a good Dominant does not happen over night, it does not happen in months, it can take years.

Number one most married men will not be willing to find a mentor, two you cannot learn to be a Dominant from a book, I don’t give a fuck what anyone says. You are either wired like that or your not.

Another great factor, most husbands married their mother. You cook, you clean, you pay bills, you do laundry, you take the kids out. Hubby plays golf, and watches Monday night football, and kiss’s you on the forehead and goes about his business. If anything goes wrong you also take the blame. Your his mother.

Another factor, most men do not want that type of responsibility, because then they will have to give you an hour of their time everyday. They will actually have to communicate with you but now on a deeper level.

Having to enforce rules and punish when you break one or two. Having to tell you what to do.

You cannot just say I need to to be Dominant. Here I need to you fly this 747 and Don’t crash really?

Another thing is most vanilla men see BDSM as abuse, and no matter how much you talk to them and try to explain they will see it no different.

That is like asking me to be Vanilla , it is not going to happen, I am me, your boyfriend is your boyfriend and hubby is hubby.

You have this new found submission, you need to be Dominated, you need to feel your partners control, you need to submit. It does not work that way.

I have seen couples get divorced, I have seen couples cheat and lose everything they have.

So you have a couple of options you can take, but you need to take with care.

One. You speak with your partner, in depth, you need to have a clear explanation of why you have these burning needs. Why your submissive now and you were not a year ago.  You need to be able to explain how you being submissive is going to help you.


Door number one. You talked to your Husband or Boyfriend and if they say no, you suck it up and just continue on the road your on.

Door Number Two .You talk about an open relationship, you have about a 90/10 chance, but hey you never know.

Door number Three. You cheat, you go behind your partners back and find someone who will take care of those needs. Here is the thing though, if your not living with your Dominant you are not getting the whole. Your only getting pieces, the kink. Your not getting the structure, the security, and that is only fun for a little while.  Then you break up and you hunt again, mean while your leading your husband along. Then you get caught, and you will get caught.

Door Number Four. You leave but you make it clear you have tried everything to make the relationship work, but you have needs as well. You also make sure when you enter a D’s relationship it is someone who is on the same page you are.  The last thing you want to do is look like a dumb ass jumping into a bunch of drama.

When you are communicating your needs to need to be completely open, you need to think about what your going to say before hand. You need to be honest and open. If your not able to openly communicate with your partner, then your will the wrong man.

There is a couple who attends our munch his wife is submissive and her husband is not Dominant. He allows her to play while he is present, but there is no sex. Now this is an awesome dude.

So Ladies which door are you going to take?


I love this Pic


28 Responses to “If Your Partner Is Not Dominant”

  1. It took a long time and a lot of courage to tell my husband what I felt I needed from our relationship. Courage, because I didn’t know how it would be received and time because I was nervous of how it would be received. I finally got there and we had a few bumps at first but we’re working together on what could potentially be a full time D/s relationship. We both know and understand that it’s going to take time, but we are loving the journey we are on together.

    It can be possible, but I know it’s not possible for all. To those who are trying good luck and be patient.

    • Very nice I do hope everything works out.
      It can be very rewarding for both…
      Thank you

    • Thank you for sharing. My master and I started a 24/7 M/s relationship four months ago and we’ve had our ups and downs but we couldn’t be happier. I told him what I needed as well after a year and a half of being together and he is learning to be best master he can be. I think it’s possible if you both want it enough 🙂
      All the best 🙂

    • Yes miss iyakamae, congratulations for making the leap- a huge leap of faith indeed! I am glad your DH is supportive and you’re making the journey together. If you don’t already have one, I would suggest a mentor for you both. This person is really having someone who is submissive for you and Dominant for him just to be able to have conversation with so that you can speak openly, non-judgementally with. This could be someone at a local Munch or someone with whom you trust online. If it’s online, research the shit out of them before opening that door; it’s painful to get burned on that one. If there’s a hint of “vanilla drama” or childishness, run. This is pretty serious and either one of those means they are incapable of offering guidance or direction.

  2. Reblogged this on Raunchy Reads and commented:
    I think this is a great blog post from Vile and just had to share. Sometimes half the battle is saying how you feel in the first place.

  3. I know little about the lifestyle. however, i know ya can’t teach a man or a woman to be a dom or domme. that’s already ‘formed inside the person’- comes as – “as is” situation. that’s what i think. NO WAY for a person to learn about it. ya have or ya don’t hv?
    there’s a lot of good to be said about this lifestyle, i guess from the order point of view, n the great sex that comes with it.
    fyi- my partner does not share my thoughts on it, that’s okay by me. one can’t force the horse to drink the water.
    i think i would be good at being a sub, but i also think most women are…i don’t have the stats on it- so i am just taking an educated guess. women like order in their homes. – just some of my thoughts master vile “smile.” yes- the photo u posted is awesome, it really gets my thoughts going. btw- have u ever strung a woman up like that? sends shiivers up n down my spine, seriously.

  4. “We all know what happened with Adam and Eve , Adam wanted the pussy. So no he was not Dominant.”

    That is a very bold assertion.

    • Yes it is a very bold assertion

    • It maybe a bold assertion but I spoke the truth, you even agreed.

      • If you believe that Adam did not exist, then he is merely a character in Christian mythology. All of his motivations, actions, and attributes exist solely in that mythos, and he is the sum total of the stories told about him. Claiming that you know what Adam’s intentions and attributes are, *outside* of what is written about him, is to claim that you can re-write the entirety of Christian mythology based on your whims.

        If you do believe that Adam existed, then you must also believe that he spent an unknown amount of time in the Garden of Eden, with God as his personal mentor, before his Fall. God personally gave Adam dominion over the Earth, animals, and Woman. Claiming that Adam was not actually dominant is saying that you know better than God, who can see into the hearts and souls of men, about what Adam’s attributes are.

        Since God complexes are born of deeply rooted insecurities seeped in desperate megalomania, you have proven yourself to be a very pathetic creature indeed. Everything that you have said about dominance before, and everything that you say after such a statement as “Adam wanted the pussy. So no he was not Dominant.” is invalidated, because you were obviously describing your inner self and attempting to use Adam as a foil.

        By the way, it might behoove you to learn the difference between “your” and “you’re”.

        I wasn’t going to elaborate until you claimed that I agreed with you when I clearly did not. Check the delusions at the door, please.

      • “you have proven yourself to be a very pathetic creature indeed”

        I must say that the above statement is solely judgemental which is exactly what you have accused my Master of doing.

        It was hard to read without smiling but I do appreciate the time and effort you took to respond to my Masters blog.

        I would hope that one would have an open mind when exploring the alternative lifestyle of bdsm. For in that lifestyle there are varieties of individuals who practice many forms which you may not agree with but that does not make them less of a human in your God’s eyes.

        I truly hope you take this God given opportunity to explore the area of humility and rise above the pathetic creatures that we are. May your God bless you for being so steadfast.

        Much love.

      • I am fat, ugly, and I have low self-esteem.

        Kudos, you won! 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀 😀

      • Wow. That’s all I’ll say except that I believe you have proven exactly where your heart lies.

      • I am not trying to win anything.
        I can also assure you Arianna is far from fat and she does not have a low self esteem.

        Arianna is very intelligent has a degree and takes care of millions of gallons of water daily fresh and salt.
        I am not sure where the fat comment came into play.

      • I never said Adam did not exist, I suppose there is a fact that someone did exist for us to be here, so we have to take the word of a book.

        I am against organized religion for a few reasons, while the catholic church condones the molestation of small boys, and paying hundreds of millions to parents to keep their mouth shut, religion today is a money making scam.

        Joel Olsteen whom I admire has a net wealth of 40 million dollars.

        While Jimmy Swaggart drops way down to only 1.5 million.

        Lets not forget Joyce Meyer who’s net worth is 8 million dollars.

        Ahh and the great Jerry Falwell 7.2 million.

        All of the above feed off of the poor, and if you send your money in they will pray for you.

        You took the Adam statement out of context, and your the only one.

        So yes I walk a very spiritual path while I choose not to walk a religious path for I would surely go broke making someones else’s BMW payment.
        The bible does say the Shepard shall eat, this is true.
        I have a very good friend named Mr Powers who has been preaching the word of god for 45 years.
        He does not take a salary from his congregation , Mr Powers does work full time for Ga Power, nor does he live in the house the church provides, family’s in need get to stay in order to get back on their feet.
        What if all Ministers were like Mr. Powers ?

        While I am not going to apologize , you did take my statement wrong.
        I do hope you are having a blessed week.
        Much Love

      • If my blog is offensive to you just click on the X.
        I would never bash you.

      • It does not read carefully; she did not agree. She quoted its assertion– but after all, it writes in so slovenly a fashion that one should not be surprised that it reads poorly as well.

        Also, one might observe that it asserts ‘wanting the pussy’ equals a lack of dominance. One might surmise it prefers a strapon to the employment of its own appurtenance.

        Since when did obeisant asexuality become a token of control?

      • Hello Maximus.

        Okay so joking with her was a bad idea. The adam thing was taking out of context but that is fine.
        Out of 1200 visitors today she is the only one who took it wrong.
        My bad

  5. Jade Forbidden Says:

    And yet it’s truth. One is born Dominant or submissive, it’s not even a condition: it’s inner nature. My humble advice is to go for the full truth and ask what you want. If refused, then you know it’ll never going to happen with the person you are with and therefore…. well, that person is NOT the right one for you, or you’d be able to keep going as you did, no need to ask for more. It’s that simple 😉 Thanks TKWOV for sharing

  6. Jade Forbidden Says:

    Thank you, you did put it so well in first instance 🙂

  7. Vile, love ya brother- you sure know how to stir up the passion in folks, I think this is the second one in as many weeks? LOL… I love reading your blog and the passionate responses, they’re inspiring. “Vile unfiltered” -I wouldn’t want it any other way, keep up the great work Vile!

    -Love Passionately-

    -Tom Wolf (Mynx’s Sir)

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