The Mental Part Of BDSM

My very first experience was with a masochist. I had met her on yahoo going through yahoo profiles. A mother of three boys all who were in special Education classes and on medication ages 6 , 9 and 12. Sherri was Bi-Polar as well and suffered from depression.
I never even thought of having a relationship with her as a matter of fact that conversation never came up.
If it did I would of walked away , washed my hands and moved on. What is more incredible the seven years we saw each other I never fucked her , well her pussy or ass. Her mouth did take a lot of abuse though.

It was not about rules , there were none , there were no protocols , no structure.

The whole relationship was about pain and humiliation and nothing more . Belts , rods , canes , the single tail whip , tens units , fisting pussy and ass..
There was no communication at all it was about using and abusing. This is what she needed and if he had not been me it would of been someone else.

I was young and fairly new to the lifestyle , we my first Master and Slave somewhat of a relationship.

I was introduced to BDSM while stationed in Korea early 1981 maybe 82 I do believe , but it was not called BDSM.
I had a very good friend who was in the Korean Army and he was assigned to our platoon.
His name was Kim and they were called Katusa’s . His pay at that time was like 8 dollars a month and he sent half of that home.

My interest with being in control started much younger though as I have spoken about before, but the show I was invited to while in Korea really set something off….

One mistake many Dominant make Masters as well is we become to predictable, meaning our property figures us out. Once that happens you can slowly begin to lose ground on your control.

The Submissive or Slave is submitting with their mind, BDSM does have have to be physical , although the term Bondage , Discipline , Sado , Masochist. That you can see as being physical.

I believe 90% of the lifestyle is mental , getting in ones head , picking their brain. In order to do this you truly have to know your partner.

You have to know your slave or submissive inside out , and I have a theory about that.

You have to know all of the Why’s. The Why’s ! Why do you listen to a certain type of music? Why do you like dressing the way you do? Why do you like the foods you do ?
The list goes on and on. It was not long ago Arianna had a long talk about the brand of makeup she preferred and why she liked it. You may think this sounds stupid but it works.

What makes them think the way they do ? You have to know the Why’s , because if you do not you will never fully know your partner.

You need to set time aside on a daily basis so the two of you can just talk , I mean talk about anything and everything, on a certain topic or about the weather.
You want to know how their day went , How was work ? How was lunch ?

Women in general are not good about giving up information if something is wrong and this proves to be more so with a submissive or slave.

If you think something is wrong chances are your right, but if you ask and she says nothing, just let it go. You need to drop it and bring it up later.
By not dropping it and continuing with your questioning , that is where most of your arguments come from. Let it go and a little time later bring it back up.
You need to reassure them they can talk to you about anything. You need to let it be known your only asking because you care.

You the Dominant , when you start making demands your only causing a shut down, and that is not our goal.
When you start to demand submission , you cause a shut down, you want your slave to feel like they can speak freely about what is on their mind or any thoughts they may have.

While it is true a D’s or M’s relationship does not have to be physical , most have it imbedded in their mind that pain has to play a part in such a relationship, again we are visual , and if you google BDSM and click on images you see some bitch getting her ass beat.

Even when you speak of someone reaching sub-space it is always associated with pain , and I know myself that pain is not necessary to reach sub-space. Ia m not saying inflicting pain is a bad thing, but many will take what is giving just to please.

I myself want that mental capability , I want to know someone well enough to be able to draw them into that rim of play. While it has only happened a few times Arianna giggles while in sub-space.
Achieving sub-space is like a woman having an orgasm , it is not going to happen every time.

Knowing your property well enough to have that type of control is truly amazing.

http://psychology.wikia.com/wiki/Domination_and_submission_%28BDSM%29

Domination and submission (also known as D&s, Ds or D/s) is a set of psychosexual behaviors, customs and rituals relating to the giving and accepting of dominance of one individual over another in an erotic or lifestyle context. It is part of the BDSM group of paraphilias.

D/s is often referred to as the “mental” side of BDSM. Physical contact is not a necessity, and can even be conducted anonymously over telephone, email or (more recently) instant messaging services. In other cases it can be intensely physical, sometimes traversing into sadomasochism. In D/s, one takes pleasure or erotic enjoyment out of either dominating or being dominated. Those who take the superior position are called Dominants, Doms (male) or Dommes (female), while those who take the subordinate position are called subs or submissives. A switch is an individual who plays in either role. Two switches together may negotiate and exchange roles several times in a session. Submissives generally outnumber Dominants, with male subs outnumbering Dommes by the widest margin, often three to one or more. “Dominatrix” is a term usually reserved for a female professional dominant who dominates others for pay. It should be noted that a Dominatrix is not a prostitute, and sexual services are not usually provided. There also exist D/s relationships outside of the BDSM community, or where the dominance and submission is not sexual or erotic in nature, which are not referenced here.

Master/slave

In casual D/s relationships the sub only submits occasionally and with definite short-term goals, perhaps for an evening or the duration of a party.

In longer, committed relationships many people opt for the Master/slave model, in which consent is negotiated once for a long period and the consent given is generally broader. Slave contracts are often negotiated for a one year term, but longer and shorter terms are possible, lifetime contracts are rare but not unknown. Where the contract is in effect continuously, the relationship is referred to as “24/7”. The limits of the slave contract can vary widely and extend into other areas of BDSM. Some people opt to be purely “sex slaves”, while others who prefer domestic service identify as “service slaves”. Some slaves allow their Masters or Mistresses complete latitude as to the demands that can be placed on them. Such a relationship is known as Total Power Exchange or TPE.

People usually only enter into a Master/slave contract after they have known and played with each other for some time, often several years. It can be one of the most difficult relationships in the BDSM world to maintain, and requires special skills and experience.

The mental side of BDSM runs really deep , and i can tell you from experience it is not something I learned over night. This is more so with the control and even learning to control my temper. It took me a very long time to learn that communication was the base of the relationship but having the ability to listen and take information in was and is just as important.

Many inexperienced Dominants look to punishment as a form to run their relationship. They spend most of their time waiting on their property to break a rule. That is why most overload their property with to many rules, knowing there is no way in keeping things in tact, so yes rules will be broken and punishment will be giving, most of the time over something stupid.

That is not the type of control I seek or want , I want that mental control. I want to keep Arianna on her toes and not knowing what I have planned next.

Arianna’s rules are structured based , her rules are to help her in her everyday life. There is nothing sexual in her rules.

We as Dominants want to see our property improve in their daily life, we want to set goals and when goals are set we need to be there to help.

Although communication is the base of any relationship , I also believe positive reinforcement plays a huge role in a D’s or M’s relationship.
Positive reinforcement will also make communication much easier , your property will feel comfortable enough to communicate with you on all levels.

Just like during our play which has little to no pain , it is about the mental side. Blind folded and gagged , she has no idea what I am going to do to her. Most of the time it is very quite and this keeps her guessing even as the candle wax drips on her or just touching her. Sometimes the not knowing is far more effective than the pain.

Before entering a relationship it is far better to know someone inside out before making that commitment, more so in our lifestyle.

During play more so during S&M play the dominant needs to consider the mental side of the sub or slave.
Meaning depression or even bi-polar because a serious break down could take place and we are responsible for their well being.
This is why I highly disagree with a Dominant wanting to play on the first meet because there is no way he can know enough about the sub or slave and their mental status.
You can tell the difference in who cares and who does not.

Just my thoughts.

mental

Vile

9 Responses to “The Mental Part Of BDSM”

  1. Reblogged this on Bigbuttbbw considers and commented:
    Brilliantly written and thoughtful piece

  2. I am all about the mental part of D/s. Being in the dating scene, I am realizing more and more than most men are in it for the sex. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex also, but if someone can get inside my head, then I could be like putty in their hands. They don’t ask questions about me or my life and I wonder how they are going to get to know what makes me tick if they don’t ask. Thank you for sharing this!

  3. > One mistake many Dominant make Masters as well is we become to predictable, meaning our property figures us out. Once that happens you can slowly begin to lose ground on your control.

    I wonder if it is really that, or something else. Bear with me here…

    > I want that mental control. I want to keep Arianna on her toes and not knowing what I have planned next.

    It’s been my experience that a great many folks like to have a routine, like to have a bedrock or foundation, and that those kinds of relationships, where there’s never any consistency, can be hard on those folks. Slave angie is one of them. That is the beauty of “knowing your slave” is that we figure out the levers to pull.

    That being said, going back to my first quote of yours…

    In what I’ve observed, it’s less about predictable and more about lack of growth. That in the NRE portion of the relationship, there is a metric-ton of growth and new things, but that as the relationship matures and gains solidity, that it’s easy to forget to look for growth paths.

    So that my authority is exercised by directing the ship to new places, to new lands, and we grow that way, and keep ourselves challenged.

    BTW, here’s a real fun mind-bender. I would submit that I have less “control” (think of a puppet and the strings held by the puppeteer) in terms of micromanagement, and yet more control (in that she has aligned herself completely to my will and desires) as I’ve deepened the authority over her. This really is interesting if you believe as I do – that control (as the puppeteer), ultimately is an illusion, except for the control we have over ourselves.

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