Am I Really Just Fucked Up ?

I was reading a Blog Post on

https://darkgemdom.wordpress.com/2015/11/30/what-is-wrong-with-me/

A lot of what I read reminded me of my past , I knew what I was but had no clue who I was, or how to organize myself.

It was not until my mid twenty’s I started to think something was wrong with me. Maybe deep inside I was somewhat psychotic , maybe demented, not knowing the word that related to me was Sadist.

I saw my first shrink I think I was 22 years old a military shrink but I found it hard to open up because this so called Doctor was in no way interested in what I had to say, nor did he really have any valuable input on where my feelings were coming from or why I thought the way I did.

I was or am a huge fan of tight bondage , extreme bondage, but here recently work has kelp me at bay.

When dating in my twenty’s I knew it would be one date or 3 max, the max is when I would cut ties, because I was finished using. The hunt was complete , then the attack, and the conquer , Bam I was done total victory..  There was no place else to go, each date each slave or a slave in my eyes was a different experiment an object or property as long as I wanted to keep her around, although most ditched me on their own free wheel. Many right after our play time, some not even fully dressed while heading out the door.

Their humiliation was my pleasure, their pain was my pleasure, breaking their will down, was my pleasure, and crying was the greatest gift.

When tying someone I knew I was not there until I heard that grunt, only a grunt because she was gagged. I never pulled on the rope , I yanked pulling gave no grunt, pulling never gave me the fear in the eyes.

As darkgemdom stated the snot and the saliva running down her face  dripping onto the floor , I received great pleasure.

I saw nothing wrong with putting someone on their knees , tying their hands behind their back, and face fucking until she puked , crying trying to get away, fucking her face until I shot my load down her throat.

Humiliation was my goal , it was not something I planned because each was different, each acted a different way.

Tied up in a little ball on the bed with the ass and pussy just hanging over a little so both holes were exposed, both holes being available, and most times I did not require lube for ass fucking, again their pain my pleasure.

It was not about blow Jobs , it was not about the pussy or ass , it was about the control , the humiliation , sitting back and looking at a submissive who looked so helpless. Using as I saw fit , degrading , and then tossing to the side.

Today I am much different because I want more , much more. I needed that stability , the security , and the knowing and the control.

If things are explained in detail and the sub or slave knows what is expected and allowed to speak , the flow goes much smoother.

Today I stand Arianna has been punished one time and one time only. This is due to our communication….

So what I found out I was not fucked up , I was in the learning stage, I was gaining experience, I was learning how to fill the role I wanted to fill..

Vile

 

 

3 Responses to “Am I Really Just Fucked Up ?”

  1. darkgemdom Says:

    Vile

    As you, I need more than the act now. In fact, a caring dare I say loving relationship is required. Thus the paradox.
    M

  2. We look at ourselves as vile and dark, always keeping ourselves in check, in control. I never know if I want to face that me.

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