This was a question posed to me last week while out . A friendly get together , One of my days I am able to get out and be me. Getting together with those who somewhat think as I do, a heavy sigh when I sit down and sip on my chocolate Latte , or is it mocha ? I know it is one Arianna always gets my drink. This week she was not with me , Arianna and out newest addition to our home were spending quality time together . Ariannas mother has been ill and had a heart procedure done on that Wednesday so rest was much needed as well.
I have been mentoring a new Dominant and at last it is someone who is truly interested in the D’s lifestyle, someone who has not only been listening but someone who is taking the proper steps in building a relationship.
There are several things that come into play when building a 24/7 D’s Or M’s relationship.
One being compatibility just because your a Dominant or submissive does not mean the one you met is right for you. A lot comes into play , you may or may not want rules , your view on kink may be different, you may or may not like pain or humiliation , you may not want to give up total control. If the Dominant you have met has nothing in common with you then move on.
Being able to talk to each other not at each other, you can listen but not hear a fucking thing.
Knowing you have a open line of communication any time you have the need. Knowing you can share your feelings and not be afraid to. Knowing you can share your feelings and not worry about being yelled at.
Both having a goal in place , both having needs that have to be met.
When you first meet a new Dominant be it being introduced , maybe a dating site , maybe fetlife and you both hit it off you may want to see where things go.
One thing I try to explain to submissives or slaves he is not your Dominant he is a man and you are a woman. You have to set the lifestyle to the side and find out what you have in common. The Dominant has no control over you , nor can he make any demands.
On a normal vanilla date the man ask what kind of food do you like and the Dominant as if you take it up the ass? Do you swallow ? Do you get off on humiliation ? How do I know this ? I have been there I have done just that , I have played and I have used and when I grew tired I forgot your name.
Something I never gave much thought about was the impact I would have on someone by using them. I never thought about the emotional impact The impact if they were not stable in life , mentally. A few months or week can have a huge impact on someones life, and many times the submissive or slave will make several more mistakes before they find out they have been played. Then the one she connects , the one she begins a relationship with is handed the task of cleaning everything up, if it can be cleaned up.
What does she get out of the relationship ? I am older than she is I just cannot see what I have to offer, I do not see how I can benefit her.
Here is the tricky part , once you decide you want to take that step and try to begin a new relationship there are steps that should be taken. If at any time you the Dominant try to take any short cuts or look over something you will fail, you will crash and burn.
More so , both have to be honest with each other to a T, you cannot leave any skeletons in your closet. Things are easier to fix or deal with if all your cards are on the table. If you wait and something comes up and it proves to you be your fault or you lied , you are the only one to blame. If you cannot be honest and truthful you cannot be trusted, if you cannot be trusted you cannot build a relationship.
Codependency runs through out the lifestyle not all but the majority of those who are submissive are codependent. Being codependent is not a bad thing that is unless you happen to fall into the wrong hands. I read something not long ago where a submissive said she was feeling depressed and the reply from a Dom was , you just need a good fucking.
When I talk to a new Dominant who is about to enter a relationship , my first words are you’re whole life is about to change. You’re thought process is about to change, the way you acted , the way you speak , walk, act in public.
Then comes the dump truck , that will back up to you’re front door and start to dump. This is when you sit down looking at a puzzle in a million pieces and you have to put it all together. As you are putting together getting all the pieces to fit together you are looking and the puzzle is still growing.
I have yet to figure out why ? Most of the time a submissive will jump right out of the pan into the fire and just start spilling their guts and the Dom just sits there with a blank stare thinking what the fuck have I done.
It is like you have a hundred books in front of you all of them are open, here is the tricky part. Some are fiction but some are non-fiction and you have to be able to separate everything.
Once you have gathered all the facts and you have decided to move forward you can now put a training program in place. A training program that will be tailored to not only you the Dominant but to the slave or submissive. What worked training worked on one will not work on another. The same goes with rules.
As Dominants we have our standards when it comes to protocols public and private, we already have our structure in place and both will fall into part of the training.
I had mentioned codependency and the needy thing , while there are some who do not fall under either, I have found through out some 25 years most are indeed both.
In a perfect world and there is such a thing I know I am living it , in a perfect world there are many benefits a submissive or slave will experience.
What does she get out of the relationship , more so if the Dominant is older and in our lifestyle the age gap is pretty common. An older Dominant for the most has settled down, the anger issues are out of the way, we have sewn our oats We are more settled and basically looking for the same thing a life long relationship.
Being in the right frame of mind , this is why we must communicate to make sure this is a need and not a want, making sure it is just not a fantasy or a sub frenzy. Communication I call just dating getting to know each other, finding what we have in common besides the lifestyle ….
The Submissive is seeking what most are seeking that is love and understanding, they are seeking acceptance. They are seeking guidance, and structure, and knowing someone wants to be with them because of who you are.
Being in the right frame of mind , truly understanding who you are and what your needs are. I would like to add LDR’s Long Distant Relationships seldom work unless there is an immediate plan for one or the other to make a move. If that is the case you should meet more than one. The submissive should be able to obtain references , check the local community. A good reason just recently a submissive move from Main sold everything she had moved in with a Daddy Dom and in thirty days time he set her out on the street with no place to go.
Training is for the good of the relationship I use to call training a form of Patty Hearst Syndrome, but as I grew older , now it is almost like rehabilitation a total mind reset, changing ones thought process.
You cannot begin training someone unless you truly know them, until you truly know the submissive inside out and it does not begin being physical.
The Submissive should have 24/7 access to her Dominant living together or even in a LDR this is most important if long distance it gives a sense of security.
If long distance know where your Dominant lives, know where he works , what he drives, after all he will want you to be transparent and he should as well.
Once you walk through the door and you drop your bag it is like you have stepped into another dimension, you will enter a whole new world. You the submissive has to be willing to adapt, you have to go in with a blank mind.
On the other side there is another Dominant and submissive, both who require no rules , no structure, no protocols and this is fine because if that works for you life is good.
When Arianna and I first met she was somewhat hesitant about entering a relationship with me because of the age difference. She had a bad experience with a Dominant who was much older than she was . He wanted the play and control but wanted none of the responsibility that came with the relationship. When Arianna first met him she was in a slave frenzy and trusted way to easy. After 6 months it came to a end but we had met just prior to the crash.
We talked or I let her talk because I needed to see where she was coming from and what her needs would be.
If you think about it a Submissive or Slave is looking for about the same thing someone in a vanilla relationship.
Trust , open communication, honesty, , Loyalty , Someone who will not hurt them be it mentally , physically or verbally. Knowing her limits will be respected. You can push someone over a cliff and the damage may not be repairable, or you could lose the trust you worked so hard to gain.
A good friend of mine a new Dominant asked the question what does she get out of it and she gets the above , but she gets so much more. Now she feels she has found home, she now feels she can be herself without being made fun of.
If you the Dominant leads with a fair but firm hand she will follow and follow with no questions.
Once rules are in place you cannot change to fit your needs, nor can you add more than one can take. Here are 50 rules and I want you to memorize them and be able to recite them back to me. This is unfair unless you the Dominant can do it. Very few rules are needed if you have protocols in place. Many have made fun of me when I speak about protocols but the fact is if you have in place and you are consistent you do not need that many rules.
If you the Dominant explain in detail who and what you are, then you have to maintain that status, so you need to be careful when you start explaining who and what you are about. If you tell someone what you need and expect you have to be able to explain what you have to offer and how you can benefit the relationship.
I explained the relationship is about me, when it comes to taking care of me, when it comes to sex everything, but I had to prove I would give back more than I would take and to this day I have proven that.
A true Dominant has gotten past the anger issues , a true Dominant is in full control , not only himself , but his surroundings , his home and his property. A true Dominant will drop what ever he is doing in a time of need. A true Dominant will listen with an open mind. A true Dominant will listen and care and find a solution when needed. A true Dominant will step up and take full responsibility. A true Dominant will put you first even when it comes to family and without question. A true Dominant who truly knows you , knows when something is wrong or about to be wrong, and will fix before things get out of hand.
I believe the Submissive should get way more out of the relationship than the Dominant does.
Arianna and I live a consensual non consent M’s relationship but and there is a but. This was all agreed on prior to entering the relationship . We entered the relationship as Master and Slave.
If you are both true to your word , if you are both honest and can communicate openly you will experience a relationship like you could never imagine..