You know in two years since the start of Thekinkyworldofvile , I have never had a guest blogger, the truth is I had never really given it much thought.
Much of my blog is about abuse,I am against any type of abuse be it verbal, physical, or mental, and yes to the almighty married men who cannot run their own home.
Recently My dear friend Franco Bolli here on wordpress and several other men brought up the subject about men being abused , and I have witnessed it first hand but never gave it much thought..
I was in the car business I worked as a salesman, and now that I look back on the last couple of years.
I was selling a Dodge Ram Pickup to a man , he was like 10k upside down, looking at a 47.000 truck. Well I said what kind of payments are you looking at ?
He then said I want the truck for 38.000 out the door, god I hate stupid people. So where did you come up with that number ? He said that is just a number I had in my head. I said well I am guessing there are more numbers in your head somewhere.
So I asked do you have a payment goal ? Yes I do 450 a month. so I said even if I could do 38.000 out the door, if you divide 38.000 by 72, that is about 527 a month and you have not even added interest.
So I get up I go into the tower and I come back and I sit down. Okay your truck is worth 29500 and you still owe 39000.
Well Kelly Blue book says its worth 36000, I said fine call kelly blue book and get them to cut you a check.
so when it was all said and done, his payments were going to be around 850 a month.
His wife blew the fuck up. I told you, you stupid mother fucker, you are so fucking ignorant, I never should of married you, it went on and on and on, then she slapped him in the head.
So he comes back in and says hey I am sorry my wife blows up every now and then. I was like man don’t tell me your sorry, your the one sleeping with her.
That was something that happened often, and I just shake my head.
So anyway Mel contacted me and told me what she had witnessed first hand, and that she had written a story about it. So I asked her if she would like to be a guest Blogger, I am not sure where that came from, but hey it is a good idea.
Here is her wordpress a lot of interesting things, you will enjoy.
Yea I started off on the page about pussy spanking, so enjoy.
Husband Abuse vs. submission
I witnessed an arguement between a couple recently in the grocery store parking lot. With my son.
They were in the space next to the one I chose with their windows rolled down, and I was unfortunate enough to hear some of the worst verbal abuse I’ve ever heard. If I’d still been in the drivers seat when I heard it, I would’ve started my car and moved spaces. Though, it was a great teaching moment for my little man.
As we were walking in, the man got out of the car, calling the woman a few bad names, and slamming the door. He then stood outside of the car, hitting the roof and roaring, wordlessly at her.
There were plenty of other patrons staring, and as I ushered my almost first grader into the store, I felt so sorry… Not for that woman, but for him. And for all of the other people around me who didn’t understand the REAL abuse that happened prior to his outburst.
Before his shouting and her tears, before almost anyone noticed them, that woman beat down her man with the vicious skill of a practiced abuser. She pummeled him with quiet, but scathing words until he simply could not sit and take it any longer.
When I opened my car door, I heard her say she was glad she’d cheated on him and that she would do it again. Since he wouldn’t fuck her, she found someone who would. Then, methodically, she went over all the reasons he deserved it. She jabbed him about his weight, seared him about his job, mocked him for his social skills, and just before we were out of earshot, she harassed him again about his lack of desire for her.
The man was not more than a few pounds overweight, and honestly, I was surprised when I saw her inside later, because she truly had no room to comment on his weight. They were in a very new car and both had on lovely clothes, so I cannot imagine his job was that terrible. I can’t attest to his social skills, but I’m quite sure that any social awkwardness he had was only amplified by her negativity.
And I certainly could understand not wanting to get intimate with a woman who emasculates you constantly.
Honestly, I can’t imagine this was a random occurrence. He followed her around the store looking like a beaten puppy. And while it sickens me that any man would put up with that, I also feel sorry for him. Because it truly is a form of abuse.
I know women do this. I know they believe they are justified in tearing their men apart because they aren’t perfect. I understand the draw to hurt the person whose inability to meet her needs, hurts her. Calling him names, showing him all the ways he fails, listing all the things he is already insecure about… In an effort to prove to him that he needs to change… Never once thinking about the damage these insults cause and how they never work to improve or enlighten…
It is so sad.
Yes, men do the same. And it’s considered verbal or mental abuse. But, for some reason, it is rarely considered abuse when women do it.
She’s a nag. She just complaining. She belittles him, but it’s ok, because she does it under the guise of wanting to help him. Or the worst, he deserves it.
People feel sorry for her.
And so this man gets the double whammy of not only being abused, but is looked upon as the abuser.
I’ve been guilty of emasculating my man in this way. I’m not a horrible nag, in fact, I’m really easy to please and demand very little. But, at the beginning of this journey toward submission, I basically dropped my unhappiness in my husband’s lap and told him to fix it. I believed he needed to change and laid responsibility on him to do so.
I recognized, after a lifetime of denying it, that I truly wanted my husband to rule our home, including my life and body. I no longer had any desire to lead, and felt that he should simply grab the reins.
Had I not spent a decade taking away every decision and bending him to MY will, he may have easily done so. I recognize the irony in my own arrogance, that I could somehow dominate him into dominating me. I realize how little I actually understood about my OWN submissive desires back then. I see how it must’ve felt and sounded to a man who was happy with his marriage and life, and honestly did not have a clue that his wife wasn’t.
When he couldn’t or wouldn’t “step up” and “take over”, I belittled him to no end… just not to his face. On my blog, in my mind, to his mother, my sisters, anyone who would listen. And though I struggle to use my voice with him directly, that is all still a form of abuse. Surely, he could feel that venom of my resentment, even if I never openly spoke those biting words to him. It was certainly present in my attitude and demeanor.
Then, some things changed this year. I enjoyed a clear glimpse of what praise, adoration and respect could do for a man. I find it easy to build people up, and wondered what would happen if I tried to do that with my husband. Would he respond the same as others have? Could I set aside my expectation and just submit?
I’ve read a lot about marriage, submission and ridding oneself of resentment (cited at the bottom of this post). I’ve pushed myself to communicate more (though I’m still horrible at it). I’ve gained clear perspective of how my submission actually enhances my husband’s natural dominance. I work every day to take what he says literally and never over-analyze his actions (he’s a simple man, he says what he means and does what he says).
I no longer feel unloved, unwanted or unimportant. He is stronger and much more in control. He sees how it affects me which only feeds it. He sees me. Like he’s never seen me before. Because I don’t hide behind “wearing the pants”. Because I need him him to wear them.
And he is. He is taking care of me.
Suddenly, my marriage feels safe and comfortable. No, it is not perfect. But it will probably take a long time to undo what I “trained” him to be. It is a process.
It is like healing abuse.
There are lots of ways women abuse men. Vile’s recent post about Gold Digging was a great example. My testimony above of the verbal abuse I witnessed is probably the most common. Some are far more subtle. But they cause pain or discomfort, and most are clearly intentional.
Withholding sex, denial of other basic needs, ignoring or refusing to communicate, intimidation, threatening false accusations, making false accusations… I could go on. Basically all the tools women use to control men, they are, in fact abusive. The fact that men “shouldn’t put up with that shit” doesn’t change that.
Women react to any sort of stress with fear, it is our predetermined go to emotional response. The matching male response is shame. And the two can feed off each other, creating stress upon stress, forever.
The interesting thing is, the fear response is easier to control. In my personal experience, and through the books I have read (which I will cite below), it is evident that when a women actively prevents herself from contributing to the stress that causes her husband (or any man) to feel shame, her own fear is dampened and sometimes eliminated.
We are sort of programmed to make others feel good, it’s in our chemical makeup, we get a hormonal high off of it. That high makes us feel safe. Even before there is any sort of response from our man.
When you abuse a man, contribute to his shame in any way, his chemical makeup responds with aggression. Abuse leads to abuse.
No abuse is acceptable.
But certainly, lashing out against your abuser is understandable.
In my opinion, I think a very solid majority of failing marriages could be saved by some level of submission by the wife. I know there are lots of relationships out there with a submissive husband and Dominant wife, and I don’t belittle those relationships at all, I know they work and those couples are very happy.
I’m simply using this equation because, in my research, our familial roles are set by our gender. Chemically, biologically and historically.
When a woman decides not to refuse her husband sex, praises him for his successes and achievements instead of demeaning him for his failures, respects his decision making abilities and even relies on them, consistently, and actively gives, pleases and appreciates, effectively submitting to his leadership, guidance and natural role as the “Head of Household”, these changes within her create significant changes within him.
I’m at the front of this process, deciding within the last two months to truly surrender to my husband, instead of expecting him to exert his dominance over me. It has been enlightening. My submission blooms within me, every day. And in turn, he has truly begun taking care of me. As I slather on the praise and adoration, the more he steps up to the plate.
I am a masochist and he is definitely no sadist, but the more I accept what he can offer, appreciate it and revel in it, he seems to delve just a bit deeper and push his own limits without the demands and pleading that I wasted the last year filling his mind with. (Though I do still beg a lot… just in a different context).
Submission means letting go of expectations. Submission means allowing your path to be carved out by someone else. Submission means handing over control.
Surrender means abandoning oneself completely. It’s not about you. It’s about him.
But trust me when I say, when you make it about him, he’ll make it about you… times 100.
Remember what I said about women being programmed to make others feel good? Well, when you succumb to that and do it regularly, his natural response will be taking care of YOU. That will become his top priority.
At least that is how it’s worked out for me, so far. And it is Really. Very. Nice.
The books that I’ve read and am reading that helped me figure out a lot of the things I discussed above:
The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide for Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with a Man
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about It
Becoming the Woman of His Dreams
Vile & Mel