We cannot go through life living on what if.,If you do you would never gain any ground at all. You would be stuck as if the clock has stopped, and you are stuck. What if I had gone on vacation? What if I had not had a flat? What if my relationship had worked out?
I know from experience what if does not work. After Bea and I broke up, although I was angry and hurt. I continued for over a year and a half living on a what if. What if I had handled things differently? What if I had continued to be the Dom I was when we first met? What if I had punished her when she broke a rule?
A what if, leads to massive depression. I moved out in the middle of no mans land, so I could re-group, get my thoughts together. Take the time needed to heal, and get my life back on track. After all If I could not control my own life, how could I possibly control someone’s Else’s . How could I possibly Dominate someone if I was not even able to control me or my surroundings.
A year and a half I swallowed myself in my own pity, I drank almost everyday, I hated people, not that it was a big change. Maybe I hated people more, if someone looked at me I got pissed off. A year and a half I dropped out of sight, even from my well the few people I called friends.
I fucked up a business deal with a friend> Why or how did I fuck it up? Because I was still living in the what if world. What if a frog hand wings? Well he would not bump his ass every time he jumped.. That is a huge what if.
I do not hate bea, although I should. She left me while I was in ICU during my 31 day stay at the hospital with 6 bleeding ulcers. She was the cause of my business going under. She was the cause of my merchant account being closed. She was the cause I could not work for six months after getting out of the hospital, because I was living in the world of what if.
Okay maybe I should hate her, or maybe I am bigger than that. Maybe I saw the end coming, but I was living in the what if time zone.
What if is living a blind path, the path goes nowhere. What if makes you depressed, confused. You cannot think clearly, and it prevents you from moving forward.
I suppose at times we all take pity on ourselves, We need to drown in our sorrow, but who do we blame? Who do we put all of our sorrows on? The answer is no one. We get our heads clear, suck it up and move on.
If a relationship fails there is a clear reason. At times you may or may not know the reason, but it does not matter. We suck it up and move on. Sorrow and pity gets us nowhere, it is a dead end street. Until we acknowledge this we cannot move forward. It can also cause you harm in a new relationship, it also prevents you from moving forward.
Okay so now I am in a good place, I still have a few things to work out, but I have a plan, and so far everything is falling into place. Just as I tell Arianna if you do everything by the book, everything will fall into place, once you start to take short cuts you blow everything you have worked so hard to make.
We all think about the past, we all think about the present, and we all think about the future. We as humans need to concentrate on the later two, more so on the present, you can plan for the future, but to dwell on it will just lead to a what if. If we dwell on the past it leads to a big what if.
In the past I have ended relationships. Why? Because I was no longer happy, maybe the relationship was no longer beneficial to me. Be it a communication break down, or we just fell apart and maybe we did not understand each other any longer.It is true you can still be in love, but you know deep down it will no longer work, if you do stay, you are now living in the world of what if.
When I divorced I had a heavy load of guilt on me. My Ex wife is not a bad person, she is a good woman, I have an awesome 14 year old son, and after nine years I still carry a certain amount of guilt.
The thing is, I could no longer hide who and what I was. I truly believe I was born a Dominant. I truly believe I was born into the world of BDSM even before I knew the name or what it meant. I was born with the need to control even at an early age. At the age of 15 I loved bondage, I loved face fucking, I loved choking while fucking, I loved and got off on face slapping while fucking. Yea I did not date much in high school.
So I sat my Ex wife down and I came clean, about who and what I was. Her words were you are a sick man. Okay I can live with that. I hid my animalistic ways far to long. I needed that control once again, I could no longer live in the world of What If.
My Ex wife and I have a good friendship, she is aware of my lifestyle, she knows Arianna is my slave. While she does not understand, she is fine with it. I can say Arianna is the first my Ex had approved of since our divorce, not that it matters, I could careless what she thinks, but I am no longer living in the world of What If.
So I could of stuck it out with my Ex Wife, I could of been Ward Clever, and she would of been June. Wow fuck that. So I could of stayed and spent the rest of my life being miserable, the sex really sucked, blow jobs were worse, no bondage, no spankings, more so I was not in control. I had to do something, I had to make a move, and I did.
I will say this, I did remain loyal, no matter how strong my desires were, no matter how much I needed that control I remained loyal. Loyal until the day I moved out.
I went to a night club in Daytona , not a bar a night club. I talked to a bitch for about an hour, we left went to my new Apartment, and I dogged her out. I fucked every hole, I pulled her into the bedroom by her hair, bent her over ripped her panties off and spanked her until I was so hard I almost exploded. I face fucked her until she started to cry, then I fucked the other two holes. We saw each other for about two weeks. I had been dating Bea but we had not got into anything sexual. I felt good, I felt like a new man, I felt like fucking Tarzan.
I fucked her ass until she pleaded with e to stop. I then made both of us get in the shower, so I could wash off, then I bent her over grabbed a handful of hair and fucked her as hard as I could, then when I was about to cum, I put her on her knees and shoved my cock in as far as I could. WOW I was fucking free.
So what if? What if I had stayed married? What if I had put a greater effort into making the relationship work? I would of been miserable, and I was not going to live my life like that. I was going to be happy, I was going to be who and what I was.I will never change for anyone again. I will be me.
This relationship is different, I have learned from mistakes from the past. I have learned patience , I have learned the difference from being in control and controlling. Although I do not enjoy punishing, I stand firm in my word, and I punish without hesitation. I am consistent in my word. Arianna knows what I say I mean. Arianna knows we are not equal. Yes Arianna knows she is the bitch in the relationship. Arianna knows the only rights she has are those I allow her to have.
Okay so the past, the What If has allowed me to grow, I am a far better man and Dominant than I was five years ago. I know what I want in a relationship and more so what I want out of life.
Living in the What If world will fuck you up.