This email was just sent by my Slave and wife, she is at work today and I am just about ready to leave for work. She does read my blog daily and at times she does comment. Arianna for the most is private and I respect that.
This is the story of her search and I am guessing you are going to know and understand where she is coming from. The road can be long and scary. The key is to think before you act.
Dear Master. This is my response but I totally understand if it's too personal to use. The search So, I stumbled into the lifestyle out of curiosity and need. A need to fill an emptiness. A void. A knowing that there was a deeper connection that could be had between two people. From what I knew of the bdsm lifestyle, which was very little at the time, i understood it as a viable possibility that this is where I needed to be. So the search began. I put myself out there. I went to a bdsm personals website and created a profile along with a real pic and info that included I was new to the lifestyle. The very next day my in box was breeming with inquiries. I sifted through the hey babys and picked three that I thought might be real doms. The term "real doms" for me was really vague. I was looking for older gentleman who claimed they knew what they were talking about and were already starting to give advice. There was a consensus between two of them that I should immediately take down my profile off the personal site because my profile screamed newbie which could land me in a predators hands. This gave me a sense that these people really were looking at for my best interest. Next, I started emailing back and forth between the three. I also started phone calls with them. One wanted to know something that I never shared with anyone before. This was a hard task because I'm an open book. Between the three I blurted out my entire life story. I babbled and babbled hoping that one would accept me for me. It came time within a week to meet the local guy who responded. I met him at a local eatery but he did request that I wear a skirt or a dress with no panties. So I did. The conversation was all about me and I was loving the attention but in the back of my mind I couldn't help thinking that there has got to be a better connection to submit, right? I told the guy about the other two doms I was talking to. I was very truthful with how I was feeling. I just didn't feel a connection and told the guy that I wasn't choosing him. That was hard but the prospect of him taking me home and fucking me, kind of disgusted me. The guy responded to the rejection by saying that he was disappointed because he wanted to start my training as a slave that day which would have included me being naked at his house giving him a blow job to see what areas needed improvement. So. Now there were two. The two remaining doms were both out of state. One was 30 years my senior and wanted to fly me up to his house to spend three weeks with him. That was to be the first meet. I decided that the age gap was just too much for me. And he seemed to smother me. I wasn't looking for cuddling and spooning with an older guy. I wanted a Dom to enforce rules and put into place structure. Then there was one. Although I had already told this last Dom that I wasn't interested he wouldnt take no for an answer and I wasnt confident enough to stand firm and had The belief that he knew best. So after a couple arguments and heavy discussions we decided to meet. He flew down to meet me at a fancy hotel. I met him in the Lobby. He was a smooth talker. Asking all sorts of questions about me. It was all about me. And he started buying me drinks. I got relaxed and then we moved up to his room. He said that I needed to ask him to submit. I decided that I didn't have much to lose and the conversation was going so well and I could always change my mind, right? The last question was internal and not verbalized. So I said, Master I would like to serve you. Will you accept me? Of course his answer was yes. I felt a twinge of excitement. A new beginning. Then in a moments notice everything changed. His demeanor got serious. His face had a scowl. He turned scary. Then I was like, oh shit. I said, your scaring me. He responded that now I was his. We proceeded to get into a heated argument where I threatened to leave. He threatened that security wouldn't let me because I had too much to drink. I screamed fuck you. Then he changed again and gave me a whoo is me story about how nobody loved him and he wanted to take care of me. Really laid the guilt trip on so I conceded my defeat and submitted to him again. Little did I know that over the course of the next six months we would have other heated arguments about me leaving and each time he turned the tables on me to where it was my lack of commitment and falling back on my word. This was my downfall every time. I finally was able to break free. After six months. It wasn't a match. Never had been but I was naiive in figuring out what my needs and wants were in the lifestyle. I thought that every Dom was real and experienced. I believed every word they said. Never in my mind did I think that there was a hidden agenda. I didn't classify them as a normal male. Doms were so far above the vanilla man because they are confident and take a " true" interest. Lol This is not always the case. I admit. I was full of anticipation. Full of excitement. It was a total rush but over time it was a burden with my first Dom. I realized that he was controlling and not in control. He would lose his temper and blame me and my emotions for anything that went wrong. And I took it because I was his property even though I was not flourishing. Even though I knew in my heart that this wasn't going to work. I settled. I got hurt. And it took me a while to heal. . I'm awesome now. I have gained a better understanding of myself. And I have found my "one". All in all my experience is like thousands of others just entering the lifestyle. We have stars in our eyes and fluttering hearts that maybe we will have our very own Dom or Master. I just wanted to let other subs and slaves and newbies know that it's pretty normal to trust. I think it's in our nature. But that could be a double edged sword. Trust should be gained and not given when meeting someone. I know my experience may ring true with others. I hope it opens your eyes that it's easy to be swept away when your guard is down. My openness was taken advantage of and used against me in my search. Also my attitude of doms not being able to do wrong. That they always have the best of intentions. That they would never harm. But what I failed to realize until later is that the lifestyle is like the vanilla world in that there are good and bad apples. It's up to our internal discernment to tell us the difference but we have to give ourselves the chance. Be careful and good luck. Arianna Vile