Archive for the Pansexual Category

The Collaring Process

Posted in 24/7, @vile62 on Twitter, Arianna, Baby Girl, bdsm, BDSM Collar, Collar, collaring ceremony, consequences, control, Daddy, Daddy Dom, Daddy Doms, Discipline, Dominant, Dominants, Dominants Protocol, FaceBook, FaceBook Vile Woods, http://daddystendertouch.tumblr.com/Whatisadaddy, Married Dominant, masochist, MAST, Master, Master And Slave, munchs, Pansexual, Protocol, Protocol public, relationships, Respect, sadist, SADOMASOCHISM, slave, submissive, Vile Woods on FaceBook on April 4, 2014 by thekinkyworldofvile

Now before you jump the gun, there were several submissives who contacted me last night who were agreeing with me.

 

Many today are still pretty confused about the collar or how one earns one. There are also many Dominants since the 50 shades of grey has come out that do not have a clue. Since the books have been out Dominants have been popping up like weeds in your yard.

Sometime ago the collaring process could take 2 to 5 years for a submissive or slave to earn their collar. It has only been in the last ten years or so that this has changed. The consideration time, the training time depending on the submissive or the slave could go beyond the 5 year mark.

Today a submissive can earn a collar on the first date, eh maybe 30 days, which seems to be the average.

Just to let everyone know it was eight months before I collared Arianna, it would of been six months but she refused my first offer. I am not sure if everyone knew that or not.

So I had to regroup think things out, figure out what I had missed, I had to do a little restructuring change things up a little. Wow she really told me no. It turned out good though and I would not of changed anything.

So the collaring process this was before the pansexual epidemic hit the world of BDSM everybody fucking everybody. Zero control, open the trash can throw all the structure and protocols in it. Fuck who needs rules we are just going to have sex. You want to fuck my slave sure man have at it. Those of you who do not know what pansexual is.

There you go

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

Pansexuality, or omnisexuality,[1] is sexual attraction, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction toward people of all gender identities and biological sexes.[2][3] Self-identified pansexuals may consider pansexuality a sexual orientation,[3] and refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.[4] The Oxford Dictionary of English defines pansexuality as, “not limited or inhibited in sexual choice with regard to gender or activity”.[5]

The concept of pansexuality rejects the gender binary, the “notion of two genders and indeed of specific sexual orientations”,[3] as pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women.

 

So here comes the change , and don’t get me wrong I welcome change to an extent, I am probably the most open minded man on earth you will ever meet. I do have friends who are pansexual dear friends who are pansexual.

That is one of the problems today with poly relationships even when there is a Dominant involved there is no structure , no rules if there are rules there are no consequences if rules are broken, and there are zero protocols, and those of you who have been to BDSM events have seen just what I am talking about.

So yes today you can earn a collar on the first date, but does it really mean anything to you? What did you do to earn it? Because you swallow ? Okay I am not saying everybody sucks cock on the first date. If I dated someone or met someone and I just wanted my cock sucked and it was in the parking lot of Denny’s guess what ? She did not get another call, I lost her number. Okay I am guilty of that I knew there was no chance of a relationship but she may have been hot or I liked the shape of her lips. If you fuck on the first date nah not for me, second yea possible you already have that connection.

You should want to earn a collar, the collar should be very special to you. The meaning of the collar is pure ownership. You have giving yourself, and have agreed to let someone take over your life.

Let me tell you something , 98% of the time if you do not live in a 24/7 setting it does and will not work. It may work for a short time six months to a year, but it will not work. If a Dominant cares enough about you to put a collar around your neck, then he should care enough about you to move you in, or there may be the case where you make more money than he does and it makes more sense for him to move in with you. If he has a job, and a car, and is able to obtain work once he moves.

So you put your Submissive or Slave under Consideration , in some protocols there is a Consideration Collar , this collar can be taken off when going out or to bed or when company comes over. How long would you consider someone before you decided you wanted to go forward with a relationship ? That would really depend on the two.

The Training Collar this is a collar giving to the Submissive or Slave so the two can begin their formal training. Again this collar can come off when needed, or can be worn just at play time or when your Dominant is present.

How long does the Training process take. Well with Arianna I am going to say Hmmm the real in depth training was 90 days and a total of six months, and we are still going after almost two years. I have found that during our relationship I have had to add things and take away things.

The Collar , the collar of ownership. The Collar should be something that is picked out by the two, it should be something that is agreeable by both the Slave and Master or the Submissive and Dominant. Then a ceremony is planned if your anything like me I wanted it to be special. That is why we decided to do it on our wedding day at the same time.

The Collar on the slave is to be worn and it could on be taken off by the Master. Dominants and Submissive’s are different very few wear their collar 24/7.

It was funny Arianna went to the dentist to get her Teeth cleaned she has the whitest teeth I have ever seen, anyway before doing X rays they asked her to remove her necklace. She replied I cant , and the Hygienist said why ? Arianna said its locked and I do not have the key. A Few minutes later the Dentist came in and looked at it and said he had never seen anything like it in his life, but they were still able to do the X rays.

The term Daddy Dom and Baby Girl is relatively  new to the lifestyle. It is a Term that emerged about 15 years ago maybe a little longer but not by much. I was looking for some kind of date but I could not pin point one down. Any way there are a couple of difference stages of a Daddy Dom and Baby Girl.

Most are not sexual those who are truly growing up little’s, although it  has nothing to do with incest , the girl is usually around the age of 10 or 12 and at times younger. I have known some to even wear diapers. Most of the time a Daddy Dom has more than one baby girl, but the baby girl rarely has more than one Daddy. A lot of Daddy Doms are married and very few live with their Baby girls.

I am going to share a link from a Tumbler that a Baby Girl wrote to give a little more insight.

http://daddystendertouch.tumblr.com/Whatisadaddy

Now my reasoning behind the not collaring. Most Daddy Dom and Baby Girl relationships lack any type of structure, almost no protocols and I have seen this when out at different functions as well. Most are not long term. A Baby girls first daddy is seldom the last one. Although there are rules, rules are seldom followed and many times there are no consequences. I have never seen a Baby Girl with a collar on, and believe me when out I am a people watcher. The lack of respect when out towards their daddy is something less desirable. Again this is the growing up little’s I am talking about.

The other relationship The Daddy Dom and the Baby girl is really not age related, again very new to the lifestyle, but we try to except everyone, mainly because everyone is different, our kinks are different. So The Masters and Dominant open our doors with open arms. Munch’s MasT meetings and so on. I find it at times the baby girl to be very disruptive , again no protocols , no rules, and back talking their Dominant right there is public.

Then to have someone who is not a Slave or submissive because most Baby girls are only submissive when they feel like it. Have the nerve to criticize how someone else lives, or simply say that is wrong. Um wait you are at a BDSM munch Bondage Discipline Sado Masochism. .

We talk down about things we do not understand, we judge people because we do not understand, and even when you try to explain , they already have a mental picture in their mind, your fighting a losing battle.

Several months ago we went to a Munch In St Augustine Florida. Arianna could not believe how disruptive some of the subs were and most were Baby Girls and their Daddy sitting next to them like nothing was going on. At times we could not even hear the presenter, and at this time the moderator should of stepped up and showed a few people to the door. This is not the only instance…

Most Baby Girls when collared do not wear their collars, they only wear when they have that feeling of submission come over them, or when Daddy states he wants the collar on and then it is for play.

I take the lifestyle very very serious, as does Arianna . Last night we were talking about getting another collar, and I had found some that looked like eternity collars but they were made out of aluminum. She said NO. She said I am not going to down grade, the weight for one it would not have the same effect. Okay I understood.

When people disrespect the collar in my eyes it is the same as burning our US Flag. That is how serious I take my lifestyle. Sometimes I even hate the word lifestyle, if you think about it I am not a lifestyle I am me.

The collar not not have to be a big bulky leather one, or even an eternity collar, but something to represent ownership. How many of you can reach up right now and touch your collar?

Again these are just my views, my opinion and nothing more, but if your going to attend a BDSM event show some respect and be respectful of others.

Vile

More On Protocol’s

Posted in Arianna, bdsm, BDSM Communitys, Bdsm events, Consistency, consistent, control, Dominants, Dress Protocol, etiquette, Local events, Master, Masters, Pansexual, Protocol, Protocol public, Respect, Rules, slave, slave positions, submissive on December 26, 2013 by thekinkyworldofvile

You are probably tired of me talking about protocols. I cannot express enough on how important using protocols during and after training is.

During training you go through what I call mind modification. You are taking someone and molding them to fit your needs. One of the most important things in going forward is the submissive or slave has to be true. They truly want to follow. The other is the Dominant or Master has to stay consistent from day one. If you give out rules you enforce, if you put protocols in place you enforce, and you enforce on a daily basis.

Protocols cover a huge area with in my home. From speech to positions when I feel the need, to how, Arianna acts in public.

Many of the protocols I am going to list I use on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. I still use some of the Slave positions but not on a regular basis, if I feel there is a need. One position that is used daily is Arianna greeting me when I get off work. I walk in the door Arianna is on her knees face down and arms extended. This is something she feels she has to do. This is not only her way of greeting me, but she is showing me how much she appreciates me .

This morning I posted a blog about the Difference between a Dominant and a Master. I ran across a website and found it to be very interesting.  The owner of the site did give permission to use the content as long as I gave credit to the publisher, which I did. There is a ton of information, which I will tap into and share with everyone.

Most of what I will be sharing is about safety which is the most important, but several months ago I posted about BDSM and the Law, again a ton of information. As I have stated before the use of Protocols is a lost Art. In the last ten years or so BDSM has changed so much. Every time we attend an event I cannot believe the total lack of respect from some, and when I bring it up I just get a blank stare like it is me that is not respecting them.

Just as I have stated much of the respect has gone away due to the Pansexual out break which is mentioned below, just that some protocols may not be observed as they are in an M’s relationship

The website that I obtained the information from is

http://www.denversub.com/protocol.html

You may also contact through email if you wish at

denversubmissive@aol.com

 

Remember many of you may already use some of these protocols or you may not. You may find some that you would like to put into place. Enjoy.

 

 

Protocol

Disclaimer:   The following reflects my own training, and will be different than others were trained.   Personal pronouns reflecting male Dominance and female submission should be reversed if appropriate.   Each Dominant will create His own protocols and will most probably not conform to these.   I have presented this information as an example of one protocol, but only one.  “Master” and “slave” were not often used, although in many cases, i feel they would have been more appropriate.

Common Positions

  • Stand – Standing with feet shoulder width apart, back straight, head forward and eyes lowered. Hands are most usually clasped behind the back. In public, eyes forward so as not to draw attention to the position. “Present standing” – hands behind neck.
  • Kneel – Kneel in place, back straight, ass resting on heels, hands behind back, head bowed and eyes down. In public, she kneels in such a way as not not draw attention to herself, as if no chair were available.
  • Kneel up – Kneeling, knees shoulder width apart, back straight, head forward and eyes lowered. Hands are most usually clasped behind the back. “Present kneeling” would move hands behind the neck.
  • Kneel down – Kneeling, knees shoulder width apart with toes touching, forehead on the ground, cushioned by hands.
  • Present – Making the body available to the Dominant in a pre-arranged way. The Dominant generally points to a piece of furniture (meaning present bending over it) or to the floor (meaning present in a kneel down position). “Present on your back” would tell the submissive to lie on her back with knees up and legs spread wide, hands above the head. If standing, the submissive stands, feet shoulder width apart, back straight, hands behind back, left wrist in right hand, head bowed and eyes down.
  • Rest – The submissive assumes whatever resting posture the Dominant prefers. This is commonly a sitting or kneeling position that the submissive is able to maintain for long periods of time.
  • Serve – food or beverage is served with the right knee down, left leg bent, left elbow on left knee, right elbow in left palm, serving from the right hand.
  • Inspection –the submissive goes to the center of the room and stands facing away from the door, or away from her Dominant if He is in the room.   She spreads her legs as far apart as is possible while maintaining good balance, places her hands behind her neck and keeps her head straight and eyes forward.

Protocol Shifts

The protocols contained here are for Mid Protocol interactions, in places where it will not draw undue or unwelcome attention to the uniqueness of the Dominant/submissive relationship.

Low Protocol should be used when in the presence of vanilla observers.   During this time:

  • The submissive will refer to her Dominant as “Sir” when possible, and by His given name if Sir seems inappropriate for some reason.
  • The submissive will not kneel unless ordered to do so, but may sit on the floor if it would not draw attention.
  • If the submissive uses furniture, she will do so by sitting as close to her Dominant as possible and making her body accessible to Him as much as possible.
  • The submissive may serve her Dominant as a waitress might, rather than from a kneeling position.
  • Mid Protocols are in place wherever possible, but should be acted on with as much discretion as is possible.

High Protocol – will be used at her Dominant’s discretion and will be put into place by a prearranged signal or word from her Dominant at any time.

  • The submissive positions herself slightly behind her Dominant on His dominant side (unless given orders to the contrary) and remains there unless ordered otherwise.   If ordered to stand or kneel elsewhere, she keeps her head bowed and eyes down, only keeping her Dominant in her peripheral view, so as to be able to respond immediately if He summons her.   She may adjust her location only to keep Him in her line of site.
  • If approached in conversation, she will only say, “Forgive me Sir/Ma’am, I am forbidden to speak. My Master is standing/sitting there” and indicate His location.
  • The submissive will always use as few words as possible to respond when given permission to do so and will begin and end each sentence with “Sir”.
  • The submissive performs any service quietly and efficiently, drawing as little attention to her service as possible.

In Old Guard settings, submissives traditionally wear black or white t-shirts, jeans or leather shorts, white socks if any, black boots (laced right over left) or other black shoes.

A submissive wishing to be recognized by a Dominant, or group will stand about three feet away, just outside the circle of conversation, assume standing “public present” position and wait to be recognized.   Only then will they approach and speak.   A submissive who has greeted a Dominant in this manner will normally wait to be dismissed before leaving, or if she is expected back quickly, will explain, “Forgive me Sir, i am expected back” and wait for dismissal.   A bow of the head to show respect is proper.   Backing a few steps away before turning is also proper.

A submissive should not speak to another submissive who is in the company of her Dominant without permission to do so.   This is not well observed in pansexual circles.   The proper respect is to gain recognition, greet the Dominant and ask if she might greet his submissive.   Dominants do not usually acknowledge the submissive of another Dominant unless they have a prior acquaintance with her.   Dominants may or my not introduce their submissives, as pleases them and the circumstance.   If they do introduce them, it is usually by first name only.

Chain collars are indicative of Master/slave relationships while leather collars are more common for D/s relationships.   Pet tags may indicate pet status.   Flagging is still common in gay communities, left for Dominant or Top, right for submissive or bottom.   Colors are plentiful; there is a legend on my information page, if you are interested.   Most commonly seen are black (Sm top or bottom), mustard (hung 8″+ or wants one), orange (anything goes), hunter green (daddy/boy), and most recently black/white checked (safe sex).

Speech

Honorifics should be used as such, not as names.   As a rule, a Dominant whose scene name, for instance is “Master Greg”, would be introduced by that entire name, but would be called “Greg” by other Dominants, “Master Greg” or “Sir” by other submissives, and “Master” only by his own submissive.   A Dominant introducing his submissive to this Dominant would introduce him as “Master Greg” so that the submissive would have the correct information.

Dominants will specify the way in which their submissives will address them, such as “Sir”, “M’Lord” or “Master”.   Honorifics can be as complex as the Dominant wishes, and many times are structured in complex ways to test the submissive and keep her on her toes.   They may or may not include a name or a scene name.   Occasionally, a Dominant will have his submissive call him by a given name, because it is difficult for most trained submissives not to use “Sir” and they use it as an exercise in obedience.   This is often mistaken for disrespect, however, and is therefore rare.

The term “voice trained” is often used to describe a submissive who has been trained to speak only when spoken to and to not betray her preferences in her answers.   A variation includes Dominants who have their submissives say “If it pleases you Sir” when they are in agreement and “Only if it pleases you Sir” to indicate the opposite view.   They believe that this gives the appearance of neutrality while giving the Dominant information about the preference.   I personally disagree with this practice and deem it game playing.

High Protocol parties in Denver generally include a rule that submissives do not speak without permission.   Permission is gained by a pre-determined signal.   In discussions, submissives do not participate.   They may speak only to their own Dominants.   House protocols never take priority over personal protocols.

Food and Drink Service

A hostess submissive will serve her Dominant first, the Master of the House second and other Dominants as is convenient to the setting.   She will then serve the Master of the House’s submissive, and then the other submissives in as close to the same order as their Dominants were served.

A submissive being served will either 1) accept food and drink on behalf of their Dominant and serve him themselves, or 2) wait quietly while he is served.

In a vanilla setting such as a restaurant, the submissive will not eat or drink until their Dominant has done so.   Dominants will normally defer to the host in like manner.   When the Dominant is finished eating, the submissive stops unless signaled by her Dominant to finish her meal.

For a more in-depth discussion of Formal Dinner Service, click here

Other Service

A Dominant will not request service of an accompanied submissive without first asking her Dominant to allow it.   An unattended submissive may be requested to provide simple service, or fetch and carry at will, unless she is in a non-communicative protocol.

Service should be carried out as quickly, quietly and seamlessly as possible.   Service that draws attention to itself is in bad taste.

Personal Service

Personal service is normally reserved for one’s Dominant, unless offered to another by one’s Dominant.   A Dominant that requests personal service without consulting one’s Dominant may be told, “I’m sorry Sir, that is not allowed” and referred to the submissive’s Dominant for further discussion.

Master’s Responsibility

The Master is responsible for setting the Protocol level and any individual protocols that He desires.   But, He has another important responsibility; that of protecting His slave.   He should constantly be aware of her.   If she is approached by someone that she doesn’t have permission to interract with, she should be given a specific way to handle the situation.   In Old Guard trained slaves, you will most often hear “Forgive me Sir.   i am not permitted to speak.   My Master **** stands there.   In many current protocols, the slave will be instructed to simply look down at the floor and ignore the contact completely.   In this instance, the Master must be extremely aware and ready to intervene as soon as He observes this reaction.

Another common instruction that a slave may be given an instruction that she should come up into a formal present posture in order to get her Master’s attention (in order to make a request or ask to speak).   If this is the case, He must see it and respond.

The Difference Between A Master And A Dominant

Posted in 24/7, Argue, Arianna, bdsm, BDSM Communitys, Behavior Modification, being used, Bestslavetraining.com, blog, Collar, Collared Slave, Collars, communication, Consensual, consistent, control, Dominance, Dominants, extreme, Flogger, Franco Bolli, Local events, Master, Masters, Molding, owning a slave, Pansexual, Protocol, punish, Punishment, serve, session, slave, Slave no rights, submissive, The Difference Between A Master And A Dominant, Top and Bottom, Vile on December 25, 2013 by thekinkyworldofvile

I ran across an Article this am I found on a website I hope you enjoy.

http://www.denversub.com/labels.html

I suppose you could debate the two, who is who and what is what, but if you really think about the difference , the two are only similar in a small aspect of the lifestyle. While Both are Dominant 95% of the time the two live in two totally different worlds.

I will also cover the difference between a slave, submissive and a bottom. All three are very different and all three have different needs.

A Master Is certainly a Dominant , but not all Dominants are Master, within the local community. The term Master is usually those who live with a slave on a 24/7 basis. The title if we were giving one is mostly giving to those who are highly recognized within the community . I do believe that the Master and Slave is wired much different than lets say a Dominant and his submissive. I am not saying one is better than the other, or one has an advantage over the other, our lifestyle are just different.

The Dominant and Submissive. The Submissive , only submits when they choose, the play sessions are talked over before play, The Submissive will say what is allowed and what is not. The submissive will follow some rules but usually in the bedroom only. Once out of the bedroom there is still a Dominance and submissive feeling but not as noticeable as it was during play.

A Master / Slave relationship the Slave Submits once and only once giving up full control over their life. The only rights are those giving to them by there owner or Master, again the is mostly in a 24/7 relationship. The slave gets pleasure from serving their owner, be it helping with the shower, undressing , cooking, cleaning, and yes sexually. Sex between Master and Slave the Slave is more concerned with their owner receiving pleasure than their self, knowing their Master is pleased, is what brings on the feelings they are seeking.

Last night I logged onto FaceBook and I started chatting with another Dominant who also has a blog on wordpress. Franco Bolli. We were talking about the Holidays and he brought this subject up to me, he said.

For me there is a difference between a Master and a Dom, like there is a fundamental difference between a slave and a sub.

Yes he is correct, but those of you who are submissive and new to the lifestyle you really do not have a clue, or maybe you do but your afraid to speak up.You the submissive has the right to submit on your terms, when and where, and how. You have the right to follow what rules you want.

The word Dominant in the lifestyle is relatively new, , or calling someone their Dominant is relatively new going back some 15 years or so, when the pansexual revelation came about.. When BDSM started breaking off into separate groups

So the terms would be Master and Slave, Dominant and Submissive or Top and Bottom, Now the Top and Bottom really differ from the other two, and here is how.

The Bottom will dictate the entire scene , the Bottom will instruct the top , what they can do and what they cannot do, right down to how many times they can be spanked with a belt or flogger. The Bottom can refuse to do certain sex acts or bondage.

Again it is not that anyone is better than the other our lives are just very different. I know even here in the local community some Dominants are called Masters by their Submissive’s, and there is nothing wrong with that, it is what makes your relationship. It is what puts you the submissive in that frame of mind.

Remember the difference between a Slave and a Submissive. Many who are Submissive do not understand how a Slave could live such a life, While a Slave cannot understand how one could only submit at their will. Arianna does not understand those who are submissive, but she respects them. She does not understand how a submissive could talk back to their Dominant, or even argue with them. Arianna knows there would be great consequences if she were to question me, but this is the relationship we have.

Remember the above is just my opinion and nothing more. I have included an article that was written some several years ago That I would like to share, and it speaks about the same subject.

The biggest difference is the COLLAR Like Arianna since she excepted my Collar it has not been off one time. She even wears it to work without question. A Submissive will determine when and where she will wear her collar, if she wears one at all.

One of the best sites out there for information more so those who are new to the lifestyle is Bestslavetraining.com

There is a ton of information it will take you a week to read everything. It will also give you the submissive or slave some ideas on how your Dominant or Master should be,. Read you will truly enjoy.

The slave also goes through what some would call a Behavior Modification process, this happens during training. The way the slave talks, walks, how they act in public, around their owners friends, and yes even sex.

What really got me thinking was what Franco Bolli had said to me about how a Dominant was different than a Master in his eyes or thoughts. You can find him here   http://francobolli666.wordpress.com/

So here is the Article have fun reading maybe it was explained a little better and more detail than I was able to.

The last words are so right, Lets all be kind to each other we Deserve it.

Image I love this position

The article I found below is what I came across this am. All credit goes to.

http://www.denversub.com/labels.html

Master or Dom? / slave or sub?

Labels… we use them… we abuse them.  Disclaimer: this is only one person’s opinion.  You may find it helpful… if not, you may ignore it… Probably the most difficult thing to explain (and some would say impossible) is the difference between the labels we use to define us.  The most common argument occurs with the labels Dominant, Master, slave and submissive.  This page will include opinions… some mine, some borrowed from other sources.  I will attempt to credit those sources where I am able.  If you visit this webpage and see something that was originally yours, please email denversubmissive@aol.com and I will either credit you or remove it, as you wish.

“To be thrilled at the touch of leather, aroused by the sound of harsh words, or satisfied by the security of rigid bondage is the mark of a lover. To be thrilled at the opportunity to provide useful service, aroused by a pleased nod, and satisfied by the proverbial job well done is the mark of a slave.”
The Marketplace, Chapter 7, by Laura Antoniou writing as Sara Adamson

Well, that’s not very sensual or erotic, is it?  But it is a good definition of the term “slave“, and one that is used in our lifestyle quite often to describe a voluntary submission of one’s will completely to another.  In truth, very few “slaves” would apply this definition to themselves, if they are honest with themselves about what they require to be fulfilled in the role.  Most of us (at least part of the time), want the thrill of leather, the arousal and satisfaction provided by the role, and would be less than satisfied with simply service.  So, we modify the definition a bit.

Another common distinction between “slave” and “submissive” is that a slave submits only once, and that given her submission to her Master, she no longer negotiates anything with him.  A “sub”, by contrast, negotiates each scene, or changes in the limits of the relationship as time goes on.

A popular debate takes place over the difference between a submissive and a bottom (meaning the noun).  I think this one is solved fairly easily.  A submissive is a bottom who submits to the will of the Dominant in a scene, within the pre-negotiated limits they agree upon.  She does not direct the scene in any way and it is his choice which of those negotiated items he will incorporate into any particular scene.  By contrast, a bottom often negotiates precisely what will happen in a particular scene, down to how many strokes with a particular toy.  She does not submit her will to that of the Dominant or Top, and there is no exchange of power… simply a planned scene.  The verb form, to “bottom” can apply to either a bottom or a submissive, describing the activity of being the recipient of the Dominant’s actions.

I often tell those I mentor that you can picture it on a scale of 1 to 5.. with the submissive being 1 (“whatever pleases you, Sir”) and the bottom being 5 (“This is the way we are going to do the scene”).  We fall all along the scale, rather than at one end or the other.  This is what makes labeling impossible.  There is no right or wrong way to bottom… everyone should find the place that gives them the most satisfaction.

A similar scale exists for “Dominants” and “Tops”. The Top in a scene is the person giving the sensation or pain.  Picture the scale with the “Service Top” at 1 (“My pleasure comes from giving the bottom exactly what she wants to be completely satisfied”) and the Dominant at 5 (“Now that we have negotiated what is allowable, I will choose what pleases me”).  Again, we fall all along the scale… there is no right or wrong way to top someone.  I believe that most 5’s on the scale are hard-core sadists who derive their primary pleasure from the infliction of pain, and playing with one of these sadists can be a heady experience… they *enjoy* it so much!

Now we come to the most difficult: Master and Dominant.  Obviously all Masters are Dominants, but certainly all Doms are not Masters!  At least not in the generally accepted use of the term, which is someone who owns a slave and controls her life completely.  In some communities, the term “Master” is reserved for highly qualified Dominants who have proven themselves to be of excellent character and skill.  The community itself reserves the right to bestow this title and does so sparingly.  For others, it is simply a condition of the mind… the thought processes that a Dominant entertains as he tops… and some believe that the “Master” truly feels the ownership and responsibility of the slave under his control in ways the Dominant does not.  I tend to believe in “slave” wiring and “Master” wiring myself, and don’t consider them better, just very different.

The most important point I hope to make with all this is that we should avoid using labels to rate someone’s skill or dedication to our lifestyle.  Labels are beneficial in helping others understand us… but statements like “oh.. she’s just a bottom” or “he’s only a Service Top” do an injustice to us all.  Whether someone likes a lot of pain or none at all; total surrender or neatly negotiated play; absolute control or a part time play experience… we all have a right to pursue our fantasies and desires, and deserve better than to be labeled by the very people who should understand the most clearly how diversified we all are.

Let’s be kind to each other… we deserve it!

Vile