Archive for the Advice Category

Earning Submission

Posted in @vile62 on Twitter, Acceptance, Advice, bdsm, BDSM Relationships, Collar, slave, Submission with tags , , , , , , , on December 31, 2014 by thekinkyworldofvile

Many believe submission is something you need to demand , some even believe you can force submission , while it is true in very rare cases both can be had through fear.  Fear is not what you need out of a D’s or M’s relationship , because the relationship in the lifestyle runs so much deeper.

Over the years I have met Doms who ran their relationship based on fear. As a matter of fact there was a submissive not long ago who told Arianna she was afraid of her Dom. I am not sure about others but I would think that would be very unpleasant if that is what you had to look forward to when you woke up every morning.

Hear are a few questions you should ask yourself prior to entering a relationship. What makes you think your submissive? What happened to you to make you have these feelings ? Why is being in a D’s or M’s relationship a need ? What type of Dominant do I need? I did not say want , I said need.

Dominants do not come in one size fits all , just as submissive’s or slaves do not. We are all different and we all have different needs.

What type of relationship is going to be adventitious when it comes to your well being. Do you need someone who is strict ? Do you need someone who kinda keeps a check on you ? Maybe your just looking for the kink in the lifestyle and nothing more. Maybe your just submissive in the bedroom but not while your out and about.

All of the above are questions you need to ask yourself before jumping into any relationship.

I am getting to the Topic here in a minute , if you know anything about me I am bad about straying off topic.

Today most meet new Dominants via the world wide web. I suppose it is easy , it takes little effort and you do not even have to leave your house. However I can promise you there are more downfalls than good, but for what ever reason the bad is over looked for what little good there is, and as many of you know these types of relationships are very short lived.

I would also like to add my way of thinking is not the only way.  My way when it comes to the lifestyle is not the only way, my way of thinking is not the only way, and I will be the first to admit I have and can be wrong.

What I am about to say will sound very familiar.

You just meet a Dom online and after you exchange names , he states he may in fact be looking for a submissive, and if things work out he may consider you.

Then comes, what are your limits ? Or maybe have you had a Dom before ? What is the shortest skirt you own ? Are you Bi ? I have not figured out why being bi is so important, and if you say no , then comes the question would your try?

Now these little childish questions are asked before he knows anything about you. Those should be your first series of red flags, and if the conversation continues in the same manner many more red flags will follow..

What I do and most Dominants as well , we like to get to know someone as a person. I myself want to know the likes and the dislikes , what your previous relationships have been like and what happened.

I want to know what makes you think , because in order to know you as a submissive or a slave we have to know what makes you tick. .

What makes you happy , what your fears are , what you do for fun in your spare time.

The above takes time and it takes longer than one meeting. Several sessions face to face. You can get to know someone via the net or the phone , even texting but face to face then you can read someone.

Best friends , earning your trust , you being able to be an open book with no chapters missing. This does not mean you over fill your plate the first week but just bits and pieces. The more you trust the more you open up.

Pictures when I asked for a picture I wanted two , one of the face and one of a close up showing the eyes, the eyes tell everything. That allowed me to study while talking. I am not sure why someone would need nudes if your looking for a long term relationship. I find it to be degrading to ask for nude photos because most of the time one is coursed into sending them. They are really sent just to shut the Dom up.

So the two meet and they hit it off everything is flowing in the right direction and you can feel the compatibility between the two. This is when you start to build and it can be awesome……

The more you communicate , the more you trust, the more you open up. which means the more you want to give.

Now the key is for the Dominant to be who and what he says he is. The key is for the Dominant to have and allow an open line of communication.  The key is for the Dominant to set goals in place and insure they are met. The key is for the Dominant to respect your limits and not push you to a breaking point.  The key is to allow you to grow and be who and what you are.

Although submission is earned in a sense , it is up to the Dominant  to set the steps into place so it is earned, once this is done it puts both of you in a much better place, and it will allow both of you to grow. The more you grow and share the tighter the bond will become.

It is really not science , it is just being true being who you are.

When you first meet it should be about you , the whole topic should be about you and only you. I want to hear your whole life story. …

If you meet someone and ten minutes into the conversation , he is pushing a Dog collar across the table telling you to put it on , you know what he is really interested in

Just my opinion.

earn

Vile

The Kinky World Of Vile 2015

Posted in 24/7, @vile62 on Twitter, Advice, Arianna, bdsm, BDSM Communitys, Bdsm events, BDSM Safety, communication with tags , , , , , , on December 26, 2014 by thekinkyworldofvile

2015 will be awesome in many ways. One being Arianna and I are moving the 13th of January. Although we love our house the commute is getting to be to much for Arianna.  We were lucky however the Landlord did agree to let us out of our lease early with no real penalties , with the exception of not getting out deposit back, on the good side the house is already rented.

We have both had the flu the past week or so first I then Arianna. I was almost over it but when hers kicked in high gear Karma came back and Bit me.

My blog for the most part is about safety , when it comes to women I have a huge heart submissive or vanilla. I also speak a lot about meeting new Dominants and what to look for and the questions to ask. Some steps are very important and it is very important to take each step without skipping any.

A lot of what I share is about building relationships but it does not really have to be geared towards a D’s Or M’s relationship.

I am going to do more interviews in 2015 but this time I want to get more personal, more on the kinky side of things.

I have talked about how important it is to get active in the local community. If you are looking for a new partner that is the best route to go. Many of you are afraid of being seen but I can assure you there are Doctors , Lawyers and even teachers who attend. Most are private so the chances of being seen are really slim. It is not like there is a sign hanging out front . WELCOME TO THE BDSM MUNCH . Attending functions would really take a lot of stress out of the picture.

I know I rag on married men a lot , maybe it is because they are easy targets and no one ever speaks up. If you think about it these guys are really not Dominants because they cannot even run their own house.  If you cannot keep your own affairs in order how can you Dominate someone else?

I do enjoy all the comments good or bad and I do try to respond to everyone. I like hearing different opinions as well….

Last , I do not claim to know everything , what I am sharing is my past , present and my plans for the future. I share what works for Arianna and I.

There is still going to be a Vile Radio coming early 2015 , things just got a little crazy and sometimes you have to put things on the back burner….

I am going to do more guest blogger as well, I think it is good to let people hear from others when it comes to their thoughts on certain topics…

2015 will rock and the kink will come alive..

Much Love to everyone….

New Year 2015

Vile

I Am A Dominant

Posted in Acceptance, Adapt, Advice, bdsm, BDSM Safety, Collar, Master And Slave, slave, Submission, submissive with tags , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2014 by thekinkyworldofvile

I cannot fix you but I can guide you , I can give you the tools to put you in a much better place. I can give you communication so you know where you need to be as a slave or submissive.

I am a Dominant , I can teach , and give you advice so you will be able to see things in a much clearer way. I can help you understand the things you do not understand.

I will hold you just to hold you and want nothing in return. I will always put you first no matter what , and you will grow to know you can fully depend on me.

I am a Dominant , I will always be honest with you , I will never lie to you , nor will I lead you down a false path.

I am a Dominant I promise to give you the security you need , I promise to give you the structure you need. I promise to give you the stability you need , because that is what I do.

Being able to be yourself is the most important thing you can do in life. I want the two of us to become one. I want you to be open about your needs, most of all I want you to be you.

I will put rules in place and you will follow because you want to , you will follow because you need to , not because your have to. Following my rules will be a need for you , you will have the desire to serve me.

I am Dominant and you will serve only me , you will meet my needs and wants. You will have the need and want to serve .You know deep inside this is your freedom.

You will have the freedom to express yourself openly , you will feel right inside sharing your needs and your kinks knowing you will not be judged.

I will never abuse you in any way. I will listen and I will hear. I want to know your deepest thoughts and needs. I want to know the hurt deep inside you , I want to know the real you.

I am Dominant I will train you to fit my needs and you will adapt. I will use you for my pleasure. You will give because that is who and what you are , you will be free.

I am Dominant , when the time is right I will offer my collar so that you may endure more freedom and know the true meaning of being owned.

Walk with me and we will not fail.

dirt

Vile

My Interview Process

Posted in @vile62 on Twitter, abuse, Acceptance, Advice, Arianna, bdsm, BDSM Communitys, commitment, communication with tags , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2014 by thekinkyworldofvile

I will get back with you.

Before meeting Arianna I had a much different process , a process where I took steps to insure I was meeting someone who was somewhat compatible.

After the MAsT meeting last week another Dominant and I were standing outside talking about how we felt the lifestyle was changing. Today BDSM is only known for its kink , sex and pain nothing more.

To most in the lifestyle it is just a game , I am not saying there is anything wrong with that but do not show up at a function and tell me I do not know what I am talking about or what I am doing is wrong…..

Then he proceeded to speak about Arianna how lucky I was , and how it was like she fell from the sky right into my lap. Shortly after another Dom came out and all three of us were talking and the Dom who had just walked out also started talking about how much disrespect was going on within our lifestyle.

One of his slaves had attended a function and was approached by another Dom in the leather community and she was instructed she would come to his home and cook a dinner for him and his guess on a certain date. What makes things sad is he knew she was owned but had no respect for her owner.  She did not respond to the other Dom which made him upset .

Just the lack of respect and he had zero protocols and he sits on a board. He is suppose to be a leader, someone who gives advice, and speaks at public engagements..  To make matters worse he knows she is owned.

Okay my process , before we moved into anything that had to do with BDSM I wanted and needed to know you. I carried a note book with me with a list of questions and this was something we both took part in.

I love eye contact , when you first meet someone the eyes tell a story , just as a hug or kiss. The eyes show the truth and they show a lie and they also show hesitation, or even if you are unsure , so eye contact was very important to me.

Taking out my little handy note book , I would write . Who are you ? I would then pass the note book to you and you would answer the question , putting it on paper that is…..

The second question . Why are you here ?  What makes you think you are a slave ? What medical problems do you have and what medications are you on ?

Have you been in an M’s relationship before? What are you looking for in a M’s relationship ? What is your temperament like? Do you drink or do any kind of drugs ? Have you ever been arrested and if yes what for ? Then on to foods and music , vacations , what you do in your free time.

Now your thinking that sounds really stupid , in fact it is crazy or it is to much work right ?

When you put something on paper and your looking at what your writing it makes you think, and many times putting it on paper is much easier than speaking and answering questions.

I am also getting to know you as a person. Now if you noticed I did not mention anything about BDSM , or I did not ask about your cock sucking skills or if you swallow or not. Do you take it up the ass ?. If you did answer no to those two questions if I did ask the conversation would be over. FYI.

I have not met any Dominants in the past who uses the same plan I had in place but it works. It really lets the Dominant get to know a future partner.

At the end of dinner I would thank them for coming , and I would say. Ill get back with you.

I then went home and I read everything so I could analyzed what was shared and maybe see if we would click. If I saw something there I would call and set up another date. If not I would call and tell them thank you but I do not believe we are a fit.

It depends on what you want out of a relationship….

slave2

Vile

Dominants And Depression

Posted in abuse, Acceptance, Advice, Arianna, bdsm, Depression, slave, Submission, submissive with tags , , , , , , , on December 13, 2014 by thekinkyworldofvile

This is a blog I have been working on for sometime , and it is a subject I have not seen anyone touch on for what ever reason. The fact is Depression is alive and well in both men and women and children as well. It seems way to easy to push medication on someone rather than look at the root of the problem.

There are a lot of medications people take for depression that has real bad side effects , I am mainly speaking of the body organs.

I have a friend who is bi-polar but also suffers from Paranoid schizophrenia

R is really on some heavy duty medication and right now his kidney function is down to about 15% and he is only in his mid 50’s. Pretty bad side effects I would say.

I am no doctor nor do I have a PHD , what I do have though is about 25 year in the lifestyle and almost as long being active in the community. I have met thousands of people in the lifestyle over the years, and the few things I have done and done well is, I have learned to listen , Observe and take in massive amounts of information. I have also learned to read people very well.

I have spent years talking to those who are submissive as well as slaves , and I have met Dominants from all over the world. Again I watched , I listened , and I observed.

I am always watching my surroundings when I am out. The other night Arianna and I were walking and I was asking if she remembered things around her and she said no.

I then went on and said and the end of the road the house on the right there is a red mustang parked in the driveway, along with a Toyota tundra , while walking past another house there was a car and I asked her what was missing , and she shrugged and I said there is a Nissan pickup missing , sure enough on the way back the truck was there as well as the mustang and the Tundra.

I myself think it is very important to be aware of your surroundings , especially with everything that is going on around the world today.

Pocket mouse a very dear friend who at the age of 23 took her own life. A Dominant on Facebook took his own life two weeks ago and put pictures up of the before on his Facebook. Both suffered from depression and both took what they thought was the easy way out….Over the years I cannot count on both hands the number of Dominants and submissive’s who has taking that road , thinking it was the easy way out.

Being a Dominant is no easy task , despite what many may think. Being a Dominant is not about barking orders , or getting your cock sucked. There is a lot of responsibility that comes along with that title.

So we not only have our life to look after , we now have a slave or submissive to look after. We are not only making decisions for one but two. So any mistakes we make does not only effect us , it effects someone else as well.

Please do not take me wrong everyone in life deserves a chance , and if your a Dominant in the lifestyle and you suffer from any type of depression you just need to find your happy medium.

How much responsibility do you want to take on, the rules you want to enforce , the amount of structure you want to put in place, or maybe your just into kink. The idea is to keep yourself healthy….

Then comes the manipulation when the submissive has a Dominant who suffers from depression.  Your with this Dom because he will cave in to your wishes rather than try and stand firm. Any undo stress put on anyone who suffers from depression works against their medication. At this point the submissive is in full control of the relationship

You have to think if it is fair to put so much responsibility on someone knowing they are not able to take it , or maybe they do not even want it.

The same would go pushing a submissive farther than they are really capable. Forcing someone and most will do what ever if they think they are pleasing or hoping they can just hold their relationship together.

We all want and need a drama free stable life. The less problems we bring on ourselves the better our life flows.

Arianna , Arianna is my world and I know she has limits, not sexual or serving but mental limits. I know her breaking point and I respect that.

At times Arianna even gets a little manic , at times and I give her a little rope because I know there are things she feels she has to do , I am not talking about anything crazy , but you cannot just spit out the word NO all the time.

Knowing someone your in a relationship with is a must. I am going to show you an email I received from a Dominant who wanted advice. He was asking what type of punishment I thought he should give her, I was like really are you serious ?

The thing is they have been together for almost two years and he did not even really know her. This is something I have brought up several times over the past couple of years…

Email from Fetlife

written 5 days ago:

Good afternoon sir. I was wondering if I could ask you a question and get your advice.

Vile1962 52M
Florida
written 5 days ago:

Sure feel free

written 5 days ago:

Ok this is the situation. We went out Saturday night and had some drinks and danced then we were leaving and my sub ended up having a little to much. Well on the way out she seen a guy she had not seen in a long time and said hello and started talking. Well she talked for a while and I told ok baby let’s go. She turned around and said she is talking and we will leave when she is fucking done. Of course I couldn’t correct her right then. So I went and got the car and pulled up and told her again let’s go. Then the other guy that was with her friend came over and threatened to fight me. Well then she finally came and we left. Well we dropped off a friend that was with us and then stopped at a store unfortunately the same guys pulled up at the store and well things got heated and almost fighting. In the mean time my sub ran into the store and locked her self in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out. I didn’t know at the time but she is terrified of violence because of something in her past and went into a shock and was not in her right mind. She was scared of me and wouldn’t talk to me or anything. She said she wasn’t going to talk to me and if I didn’t leave her alone she would call the cops. Well she ended up getting into the car with those other guys and they were taking her to her dads. To shorten story once her mind got out of were ever she was. I got her and we went home. Everything is ok now. I realize I was wrong with some of my actions and lost control. But I didn’t realize this problem of hers. So I am on the fence on what to do. I feel she should have some punishment for some of the stuff she said and did. Now that I know she has this deep problem that don’t have all the details to I am going to work with her on that part to help her. I don’t want to hurt our relationship or mess her up. Should she be punished? What are your thoughts? Also I don’t abuse her and never will so. She knows that but just went to her past or something.

written 5 days ago:

I do know I did wrong as a dom allowing myself to lose control

Vile1962 52M
Florida
written 5 days ago:

This time let it slide.
I speak about this type of behavior in my blog.

See you know her but you really do not know her , which tells me the two of you have a huge communication gap.

Both of you should set time aside so you can just talk and talk about anything.
Punishing is not always necessary nor is it needed.
She probably acted out because you two had not discussed any type of protocols while being in public.

You have to be a Dominant 24/7 you are responsible for her health and well being.

If you had truly known her you could of prevented much of what happened.

Now as to her you need to let it be known her disrespecting you will not be tolerated.
This falls under protocols meaning how she is to act in public or private.

Losing your cool was not cool. We are to remain in control at all times.
That does not mean you let someone push you over , but a man in control has just that.

You need rules in place and you have to be consistent.
Rules are taking bad habits and replacing with good ones.

Protocols keep her in check when out.
1 she can talk to anyone.
2 she can speak when spoken to.
3 not a word.

You two can add or take away to fit your dynamics.

Just let her know she disrespected you and it will not be tolerated.

Hope I gave you the answer you were looking for

 Florida
written 5 days ago:

She tells you about herself in her profile, under fetishes.

Behavior modification , pushing your buttons to see if you will stand firm.

Remember getting angry shows a weakness she is now pushing your buttons.

written 5 days ago:

Thank you sir for your insight. I know as far as what she has let me know. I am working on it. She has a bad past with other people. She keeps some locked away. Some of it she doesn’t remember herself because she locked it away deep. I have been working hard to help. She said today that she is shocked that I have gotten deep in her mind. I have brought out some of it out and helping her heal. It is a process for sure. There has been stuff come out that she didn’t remember until it was brought out. She couldn’t remember it but it was effecting her. The one that came out the other night was one that was a shock to her also. That is why I was on the fence about punishment. You did confirm what I was thinking and not punish but have a firm talk and let her know it will not be tolerated. I just wanted to make sure that was the right thing to do and not let her think she can get away with it. Yes she does like to push my button and it is getting better. She Is learning that I do have that firm grip. It also helps me grow into a stronger dom also.

If you do not truly know someone more so in a D’s or an M’s relationship your at a dead end. It is clear she suffers from depression and her past still haunts her.

Is he a bad Dominant ? Probably no just inexperienced and still learning. The plus side is he is reaching out and asking for advice. I believe he cares for her but still has a lot of growing to do.

Depression is very serious and in some cases it can be deadly.

As Dominant we provide a couple of things, security being one, With security comes communication and honest communication.. Having the ability to speak when you need and open allows you to grow.

You need to set time aside on a daily bases and talk. You talk about anything and everything. Getting someone to open up is no easy task by any means. That is why through out the day I ask Arianna , Hey what is on your mind ? What are you thinking ? She will then share a long list of random things she has been thinking about and we talk about them.

What is fair for you may not be fair for someone else , you cannot just think about yourself , and if you do that is pretty selfish.

Communication

Vile

Guest Blogger Today. Husband Abuse vs. submission

Posted in @vile62 on Twitter, abuse, Advice, Argue, bdsm, controlling, Disrespect, Divorce, Domestic Abuse, married, Safe and Sane, self confidence, Submission, submissive, Submissive being used with tags , , , on July 9, 2014 by thekinkyworldofvile

You know in two years since the start of Thekinkyworldofvile , I have never had a guest blogger, the truth is I had never really given it much thought.

Much of my blog is about abuse,I am against any type of abuse be it verbal, physical, or mental, and yes to the almighty married men who cannot run their own home.

Recently My dear friend Franco Bolli here on wordpress and several other men brought up the subject about men being abused , and I have witnessed it first hand but never gave it much thought..

I was in the car business I worked as a salesman, and now that I look back on the last couple of years.
I was selling a Dodge Ram Pickup to a man , he was like 10k upside down, looking at a 47.000 truck. Well I said what kind of payments are you looking at ?
He then said I want the truck for 38.000 out the door, god I hate stupid people. So where did you come up with that number ? He said that is just a number I had in my head. I said well I am guessing there are more numbers in your head somewhere.
So I asked do you have a payment goal ? Yes I do 450 a month. so I said even if I could do 38.000 out the door, if you divide 38.000 by 72, that is about 527 a month and you have not even added interest.
So I get up I go into the tower and I come back and I sit down. Okay your truck is worth 29500 and you still owe 39000.
Well Kelly Blue book says its worth 36000, I said fine call kelly blue book and get them to cut you a check.
so when it was all said and done, his payments were going to be around 850 a month.

His wife blew the fuck up. I told you, you stupid mother fucker, you are so fucking ignorant, I never should of married you, it went on and on and on, then she slapped him in the head.
So he comes back in and says hey I am sorry my wife blows up every now and then. I was like man don’t tell me your sorry, your the one sleeping with her.
That was something that happened often, and I just shake my head.

So anyway Mel contacted me and told me what she had witnessed first hand, and that she had written a story about it. So I asked her if she would like to be a guest Blogger, I am not sure where that came from, but hey it is a good idea.
Here is her wordpress a lot of interesting things, you will enjoy.

http://pushingourlimits.wordpress.com/tag/pussy-spanking/

Yea I started off on the page about pussy spanking, so enjoy.

Husband Abuse vs. submission

I witnessed an arguement between a couple recently in the grocery store parking lot. With my son.

They were in the space next to the one I chose with their windows rolled down, and I was unfortunate enough to hear some of the worst verbal abuse I’ve ever heard. If I’d still been in the drivers seat when I heard it, I would’ve started my car and moved spaces. Though, it was a great teaching moment for my little man.

As we were walking in, the man got out of the car, calling the woman a few bad names, and slamming the door. He then stood outside of the car, hitting the roof and roaring, wordlessly at her.

There were plenty of other patrons staring, and as I ushered my almost first grader into the store, I felt so sorry… Not for that woman, but for him. And for all of the other people around me who didn’t understand the REAL abuse that happened prior to his outburst.

Before his shouting and her tears, before almost anyone noticed them, that woman beat down her man with the vicious skill of a practiced abuser. She pummeled him with quiet, but scathing words until he simply could not sit and take it any longer.

When I opened my car door, I heard her say she was glad she’d cheated on him and that she would do it again. Since he wouldn’t fuck her, she found someone who would. Then, methodically, she went over all the reasons he deserved it. She jabbed him about his weight, seared him about his job, mocked him for his social skills, and just before we were out of earshot, she harassed him again about his lack of desire for her.

The man was not more than a few pounds overweight, and honestly, I was surprised when I saw her inside later, because she truly had no room to comment on his weight. They were in a very new car and both had on lovely clothes, so I cannot imagine his job was that terrible. I can’t attest to his social skills, but I’m quite sure that any social awkwardness he had was only amplified by her negativity.

And I certainly could understand not wanting to get intimate with a woman who emasculates you constantly.

Honestly, I can’t imagine this was a random occurrence. He followed her around the store looking like a beaten puppy. And while it sickens me that any man would put up with that, I also feel sorry for him. Because it truly is a form of abuse.

I know women do this. I know they believe they are justified in tearing their men apart because they aren’t perfect. I understand the draw to hurt the person whose inability to meet her needs, hurts her. Calling him names, showing him all the ways he fails, listing all the things he is already insecure about… In an effort to prove to him that he needs to change… Never once thinking about the damage these insults cause and how they never work to improve or enlighten…

It is so sad.

Yes, men do the same. And it’s considered verbal or mental abuse. But, for some reason, it is rarely considered abuse when women do it.

She’s a nag. She just complaining. She belittles him, but it’s ok, because she does it under the guise of wanting to help him. Or the worst, he deserves it.

People feel sorry for her.

And so this man gets the double whammy of not only being abused, but is looked upon as the abuser.

I’ve been guilty of emasculating my man in this way. I’m not a horrible nag, in fact, I’m really easy to please and demand very little. But, at the beginning of this journey toward submission, I basically dropped my unhappiness in my husband’s lap and told him to fix it. I believed he needed to change and laid responsibility on him to do so.

I recognized, after a lifetime of denying it, that I truly wanted my husband to rule our home, including my life and body. I no longer had any desire to lead, and felt that he should simply grab the reins.

Had I not spent a decade taking away every decision and bending him to MY will, he may have easily done so. I recognize the irony in my own arrogance, that I could somehow dominate him into dominating me. I realize how little I actually understood about my OWN submissive desires back then. I see how it must’ve felt and sounded to a man who was happy with his marriage and life, and honestly did not have a clue that his wife wasn’t.

When he couldn’t or wouldn’t “step up” and “take over”, I belittled him to no end… just not to his face. On my blog, in my mind, to his mother, my sisters, anyone who would listen. And though I struggle to use my voice with him directly, that is all still a form of abuse. Surely, he could feel that venom of my resentment, even if I never openly spoke those biting words to him. It was certainly present in my attitude and demeanor.

Then, some things changed this year. I enjoyed a clear glimpse of what praise, adoration and respect could do for a man. I find it easy to build people up, and wondered what would happen if I tried to do that with my husband. Would he respond the same as others have? Could I set aside my expectation and just submit?

I’ve read a lot about marriage, submission and ridding oneself of resentment (cited at the bottom of this post). I’ve pushed myself to communicate more (though I’m still horrible at it). I’ve gained clear perspective of how my submission actually enhances my husband’s natural dominance. I work every day to take what he says literally and never over-analyze his actions (he’s a simple man, he says what he means and does what he says).

I no longer feel unloved, unwanted or unimportant. He is stronger and much more in control. He sees how it affects me which only feeds it. He sees me. Like he’s never seen me before. Because I don’t hide behind “wearing the pants”. Because I need him him to wear them.

And he is. He is taking care of me.

Suddenly, my marriage feels safe and comfortable. No, it is not perfect. But it will probably take a long time to undo what I “trained” him to be. It is a process.

It is like healing abuse.

There are lots of ways women abuse men. Vile’s recent post about Gold Digging was a great example. My testimony above of the verbal abuse I witnessed is probably the most common. Some are far more subtle. But they cause pain or discomfort, and most are clearly intentional.

Withholding sex, denial of other basic needs, ignoring or refusing to communicate, intimidation, threatening false accusations, making false accusations… I could go on. Basically all the tools women use to control men, they are, in fact abusive. The fact that men “shouldn’t put up with that shit” doesn’t change that.

Women react to any sort of stress with fear, it is our predetermined go to emotional response. The matching male response is shame. And the two can feed off each other, creating stress upon stress, forever.

The interesting thing is, the fear response is easier to control. In my personal experience, and through the books I have read (which I will cite below), it is evident that when a women actively prevents herself from contributing to the stress that causes her husband (or any man) to feel shame, her own fear is dampened and sometimes eliminated.

We are sort of programmed to make others feel good, it’s in our chemical makeup, we get a hormonal high off of it. That high makes us feel safe. Even before there is any sort of response from our man.

When you abuse a man, contribute to his shame in any way, his chemical makeup responds with aggression. Abuse leads to abuse.

No abuse is acceptable.

But certainly, lashing out against your abuser is understandable.

In my opinion, I think a very solid majority of failing marriages could be saved by some level of submission by the wife. I know there are lots of relationships out there with a submissive husband and Dominant wife, and I don’t belittle those relationships at all, I know they work and those couples are very happy.

I’m simply using this equation because, in my research, our familial roles are set by our gender. Chemically, biologically and historically.

When a woman decides not to refuse her husband sex, praises him for his successes and achievements instead of demeaning him for his failures, respects his decision making abilities and even relies on them, consistently, and actively gives, pleases and appreciates, effectively submitting to his leadership, guidance and natural role as the “Head of Household”, these changes within her create significant changes within him.

I’m at the front of this process, deciding within the last two months to truly surrender to my husband, instead of expecting him to exert his dominance over me. It has been enlightening. My submission blooms within me, every day. And in turn, he has truly begun taking care of me. As I slather on the praise and adoration, the more he steps up to the plate.

I am a masochist and he is definitely no sadist, but the more I accept what he can offer, appreciate it and revel in it, he seems to delve just a bit deeper and push his own limits without the demands and pleading that I wasted the last year filling his mind with. (Though I do still beg a lot… just in a different context).

Submission means letting go of expectations. Submission means allowing your path to be carved out by someone else. Submission means handing over control.

Surrender means abandoning oneself completely. It’s not about you. It’s about him.

But trust me when I say, when you make it about him, he’ll make it about you… times 100.

Remember what I said about women being programmed to make others feel good? Well, when you succumb to that and do it regularly, his natural response will be taking care of YOU. That will become his top priority.

At least that is how it’s worked out for me, so far. And it is Really. Very. Nice.

The books that I’ve read and am reading that helped me figure out a lot of the things I discussed above:

The Surrendered Wife: A Practical Guide for Finding Intimacy, Passion and Peace with a Man
How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about It
Becoming the Woman of His Dreams

Vile & Mel

argue

To Those Who Cheat

Posted in 24/7, @vile62 on Twitter, abuse, Acceptance, Advice, anal sex, anger, Anger Issues, Arianna, Baby Girl, bdsm, Being fucked, being used, Cheat, Cheaters, cheating, Cheating Dominant, cock sucking, commitment, communication, consequences, consistent, control, controlling, Conversation, Daddy Dom, Daddy Doms, Discipline, Dominant, Dominant Switch, Dominants, emotional, Emotions, Fake Dominants, Lies, married, Married Dominant, Master And Slave, morals, slave, Submission, submissive, sucking cock, sucking dick, Vile, Vile Woods on FaceBook, Wedding Vows on June 1, 2014 by thekinkyworldofvile

I give my opinions nothing more , I may not be much but I am a man with Morals, I am a man with pride, I am a man who lives by the truth , but most of all I am a man who is loyal to the end.

I was stuck in a bad marriage for 9 years because I was at Bush Gardens one year and as I was sitting there watching all these married couples pass me by who had children , I started thinking man I am missing out on a lot. The wife, the kid the dog, the house with a fence, cooking out with the smith’s I was missing out on something very special.

Chong had just left maybe I was just feeling lonely, my feelings were mixed, my mind was going a thousand miles an hour. So I found a wife. To this day I harbor some guilt, not because I still love her, that is so far from the truth, but because I lead her down a false path, I made her believe I was someone else, and for 8 1/2 years I lived a lie. The longer we were married to more it tore me up on the inside, I was dieing to get the fuck out, but I was going to try one thing. I was going to come clean about who I was and what I needed. Well that did not go over so well, and being married to the church lady did not help the situation at all. So I was asked to leave, and it was not until after I moved out Bea and I came into play. Now I had met Bea on line but we had not met each other until I moved out.

We had a son while I was married he will be 16 this year, and here is part of my morals coming out. I have not missed a child support payment in 16 years, although it is court ordered it does not come out of my pay check. 16 years not one payment has been missed and for many years I paid twice the amount that I was suppose to because I knew how she was struggling.  Again part of my morals.

Part of my morals when we were married I took vows, and many of you wrote your own vows, you swore to stand by each other through thick and thin for better or worse. You said it looking into each others eyes, and your husband or wife believed you, they took what you said to heart and trusted you.

Now there are circumstances that comes into light than can change those vows, If you are being abused, be it mentally or physically.. If you catch your spouse cheating, that is the unforgivable sin in my home. I told Arianna first thing if you cheat make sure that is who you want to be with because that is where you are moving. I refuse to sleep with someone who has been where I lay. The unforgivable sin, if you fuck around you are dead in my eyes.

Okay so we change, we are human, our needs change, not wants our needs. We begin to age and we want more out of life, so this is where the communication comes into play. You do have the right to express your needs, you have the right to tell your spouse how you have changed. If your spouse refuses to comply or try, then you have the right to leave, remember the VOWS you took now, for better or worse.

So the female cheats because she is not getting her kink met, her husband no longer communicates with her, they are no longer on the same intellectual level, hes hanging with the boys at the bar. You have the right to communicate, you have the right to express your needs. What you do not have the right to do is let someone other dude bang you and then go home to the man who has built the roof over your head, the man who pays your bills the man who puts food on your table, the father of your children, because this other dude is not going to share any of that responsibility, he is there for the pussy. The bad news is, the relationship will be short lived and you will be back to square one. The truth is you will get caught it is not when but how. You have to think is it fair to drag your children into your mess, to drag your whole family into your mess. Is it fair to catch something you cannot get a shot for and pass it on to your spouse. Again you took Vows.

The male who cheats, once a cheater always a cheater. So his wife will not suck cock, or refuses to do anal. He knew this before he took his what ? His Vows he knew this ahead of time, but at that point and time it was not a need because he had a steady piece of ass, he was or is getting a steady piece almost every night but the one thing missing was the cock sucking, being able to get the ass. Now it becomes a need because you told him no. If you tell a man NO then he needs it, it is in bedded in his brain now he has to have it.

Now we have google, I found Bea through yahoo profile searches which was the best. all you had to do was go to profiles and type in submissive or slave and a million names popped up. I had the world at my finger tips. The internet is a powerful mother fucker, you can find anything, including a bitch that will suck cock. someone who will take it up the ass, someone who will crawl to you,and someone who will sit by their phone and wait for your text or call.

You found your married Dom your married daddy. He is married to the worst bitch in the world, shes a fucking cunt, she is worthless, she is a bad mother, he wishes he was not still married to her, but you saved him your just what he needs now. He has been assuring you he is going to leave, but the time has to be right.

The bad thing is you fall for it, and you wait and you wait and you wait, but it never comes , he never moves out, even though she is so bad. She will not communicate with him, she will not have sex with him, she does not connect with him, she is so so bad, but he never leaves.

The truth is everything is fine on the home front except the sucking cock part, or the ass fucking, being able to tie you up, being able to spank you, you know the little things his bad wife wont do, but she does cook clean, probably works as well, and takes care of his children. He takes them out, they go on vacations together, school functions, they have cook outs with the smiths, while you sit and stare at your phone.

I am telling you this as a man not a pissed off woman, I am letting you in on how a male thinks , because I do not want to see you be someones bitch who is just there to suck cock once or twice a month.

If his life was so bad and he was treated so bad, you know what ? He would leave. He would pack his shit up and move the fuck out no matter the cost. No man is going to stay where he is not happy its not going to happen. On the other hand if he can stay home and get ass on the side, he will ride the storm out.

You know 30 years ago if you caught something you could go to the doctor and get a shot. Today that is not true, and most of you do not enforce any type of protection, putting your own life in danger. In the end you will be stuck alone, and your Dom or daddy is still cooking out with the smiths.

Some men for what ever reason are just close minded, I know dudes who don’t even like blow jobs, I know dudes who think anal sex is nasty. Some men see tying you up and spanking you as abuse. Some are just that stupid. A woman can tell their husband here I am you can do anything you want, and they think your sick, they think you need help. Like you I do not get it nor do I understand it.

If your an unhappy submissive and you have talked to your husband and he will not come around, if your kink means that much to you then leave. If you need to submit and he will not fill that dominant role then leave, but you better hope the one you move in with is going to be able to provide for you on all levels.

To the women who are subs or baby girls, and your seeing a married man.. He is not going to leave his wife, he is not going to leave the stability he has. He is not going to leave the mother of his children There are a few who will very few, but you have to look at his side of the world can you fill the shoes his wife can, because everything today comes down to money. If his wife is making a hundred grand a year and your making thirty grand a year, go on think about it, or maybe your not even working, the odds are not there, but if your a betting woman, go ahead and roll the dice.

I am just ranting, if your being cheated on it is not fair, if your the cheater its not fair. Somewhere in your head or heart if your seeing a married man, you have to be thinking about his wife, the one who gave birth to his children, the one who has built what he has, the one who has stood by all his bull shit. How would you feel if you were being cheated on? In a way you are because hes banging both of you.

Remember all you get is one side of the story, his side. If he says she does not care what he does, then it should be alright for you to talk to his wife. Last if you think you are the only one he is banging, your really dumb.

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Vile